


Invader Zim Oneshots

by Not_A_Valid_Opinion



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: I Don't Know Where This Is Going, M/M, Other, and zim and girs relationship, descriptions of each chapter before each chapter, dib needs a hug, just a collection of oneshots, mainly focuses on zim and dibs relationship, mainly platonically but both, the tallest are kind of assholes, unconnected oneshots, very platonically, zim wants to destroy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2018-05-29 19:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6390955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_A_Valid_Opinion/pseuds/Not_A_Valid_Opinion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of Invader Zim one-shots and drabbles I wrote that I plan on posting here! Some will be shipping ZaDr, some will be platonic. Story descriptions will be at the beginning of each chapter, including pairings and warnings. Zim is just so smol I had to do this. The chapters go by the alphabet, so feel free to leave requests!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Lesson In Sexuality

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So since I'm wicked happy about the new Zim comics coming out, here's this to celebrate! A collection of one-shots, ranging from hurt/comfort to just hurt to just comfort to anything, really. There might be some ZaDr in one or two of these, if I get to it, but I'll warn you when it'll be present. The description for each chapter as well as any pairings will be included at the top of the chapter, and each chapter goes by the alphabet (ex. Z for Zim, making the whole chapter about him. I'll try to be more specific). 
> 
> Description: The class learns about Sex-ed. Zim learns about himself. Dib doesn't learn anything.
> 
> OR:
> 
> Description: Zim learns the meaning of the word 'asexual' and has some thoughts.
> 
> Alphabet: A for Asexual
> 
> NO PAIRINGS INCLUDED IN THIS CHAPTER
> 
> Please enjoy, and keep in mind these will be unconnected one-shots with a variety of plot ideas. If any chapters will be connected, I will let you know. Please enjoy! If anybody wants to send in requests feel free :)

 

 "Alright, filth. Today, we're going to be learning a _real_ fun lesson. It might be the most important lesson of the whole school year," said Ms. Bitters, slapping the ruler in her hand. She scanned her students, eyes narrowed behind her glasses. "I expect you all to take it seriously. You're going to be learning Sex-Ed, and there will be words used that will cause and warrant giggles, but if I hear so much as _one peep out of your disgusting mouths_ I will destroy you _all_."

 Quiet murmurs consisting of _'ugh's, 'ew's_ , and ' _babies?_ ' spread throughout the class, but ceased when the ruler connected with the board, emitting a sharp _thunk_ that had some students jumping in their chair.

 "Now," she said, somehow managing to spit the sentence, "my Sex-Ed will consist of what you will actually _need_ to know in the future. Hopefully, anyway. If not, you had better be asexual, or else you'll just be a sad adult who grows old and dies alone. Possibly with cats."

 A student raised his hand. "What does… _asexual_ mean?" The student asked.

 "Asexual means you aren't attracted to anybody else. It could be sexually, it could be romantically. You want to know more, look it up. Now, who can tell me what sex is?" She said, and Zim stared at her blankly. Other children raised their hands.

 "Yes, Nigel?"

 "Um, babies."

 The class laughed. The teacher smacked the ruler against the board again, and the students flinched at the sound. Zim didn't, as he was watching the teacher rather than giggling with the class, as though there was an inside joke that the kids were laughing at that he was not a part of. To be fair, Dib wasn't laughing either. It just wasn't funny to him.

 "Yes, that is a part of it, but **no laughing.** Now, sex is an act between two partners that is an act of passion and romance. I am required to tell you that sex should be saved for after marriage. Sex can result in baby-making, as you should all be familiar with. This is why you have parents. Sex can be an act of love, or it can be an act of one-night passion, which you will learn of when you are older."

 Zim raised his hand. The teacher called on him. "Why do you need a word for the obvious?"

 "What do you mean, Zim?" Ms. Bitters asked, sounding done with the world.

 "Asexual. A lack of, er, sexual drive, yes? Is this a common thing on Earth? Not that the mighty Zim does not know, of course, but what percentage of this planet is… s _exually_ active, versus, um… _asexual?"_ Asked Zim, sounding uncomfortable with every word he said.

 The teacher thought for a moment. "I don't know, Zim. Look it up. There are many, many people who are interested in romantic partnerships, though, I can tell you that. More than there would be with people who felt no attraction or were appalled by attraction, be it sexual or romantic."

 Zim nodded. "So, this planet mainly populates through instinctual drive… interesting. But not all humans? Even more interesting. Very well, carry on," he told the teacher, waving his hand as though to signal for her to continue the lesson.

 The students listened to the lecture, some looking bored, some stifling laughter. Zim looked interested, but mainly confused. Dib was curious, but not about the lesson.

 Did Zim really not know this stuff? Did his planet have no romantic afflictions? That would explain how he didn't know about parents, and why he didn't have any (Dib assumed, making a heavily educated guess).

 Zim looked appalled at the video on how sex worked that was being shown to the class (it was all in drawings, but it still painted a clear picture). It made Dib insanely curious, and frustrated that he still didn't know much about the alien.

 When the bell rang, the whole class looked scarred, and the classroom was vacated quicker than usual.

 Zim himself was confused. Why did humans have to be so complicated? So, they weren't produced via creation of a Pak being united with a hatched blank, they were… formed… through 'sex.' Zim was curious. That video was very intimate. Did humans really enjoy being so close together? Zim didn't even think he had been that close to another irken before, asides from physically battling other Irkens while in training. Gir hugged him sometimes, much to his disgust, but other than that… It seemed that humans getting close to other humans to the point of being _inside_ them was normal to their inferior race. How strange.

 Irkens took life partners sometimes. It was, of course, strategic- should an irken work well with another irken, they would be assigned on missions together and live in the same headquarters. Never like _that_ , though. Like, for lack of a better irken term, roommates. It was as close to romance as an irken would get. Even then, only tall irkens were allowed this option. Small irkens, such as Zim, one of the smallest of them all, would never even consider such a thing- they were too unimportant to arrange a change in living space or mission assigning. Hell, most didn't even _get_ missions.

 And so, Zim couldn't help but wonder if the Earth term 'asexual' applied to him. It did, didn't it? He didn't have a sexual drive- in fact, the idea of what happened in today's lesson happening to him was so appalling to him he wanted to destroy everything. The idea of spending his life with anybody for anything other than strategic value baffled him, and suffice to say he wasn't interested in it. So yes, on Earth, the term 'asexual' seemed to apply to him. 


	2. Fight To The Death(Eventually)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here is another chapter of this weird thing I made and called a 'good idea.' Suffer with me, children.
> 
> Description: Dib wants to know more about Zim. He takes it a wee bit too far.
> 
> Alphabet: B for Brutal 
> 
> NO SHIPS IN THIS but I GUESS IF YOU SQUINT you can see ZaDr but IDK MAN SEE FOR YOURSELF.
> 
> Enjoy *Jazz Hands* I promise I'll work on my other stuff soon. I accept requests. 
> 
> Also, fun little bit of info, irken's don't need sleep. Don't tell Dib that.

As Zim was staring to walk in the direction of his base after school finished, Dib caught up to him. Zim noticed, frowning.

"Leave me be, Dib-stink. I do not wish to deal with your human stupidity today. I have much to do _,_ " Zim told him, doing that weird thing he does with his voice dropping an octave and his hands cupping in air as though he were strangling it.

"No, I just… Look, I don't have any video cameras on me, and I'm super curious. Do irkens sleep?" Dib asked, leaning forwards for an answer. Zib leaned backwards, away from him, narrowing his eyes.

"What? Why would you think I would tell you anything about Irk? I would never reveal my secrets to the likes of you, Earth-scum!" Zim declared, backing away from him and pointing an accusing finger.

Dib sighed. "Look, I know you want to take over the world, and I know I'm going to be the one to stop you, but that doesn't mean I'm not curious. Besides, you sure looked curious in class. I could help explain it to you! Secrets for secrets!" He bargained.

Today, the class had been learning about the negative effects of sleep deprivation, and Zim had made a comment, stating that 'I have never slept a moment in my life, and I am doing just fine! Why are you telling these LIES?' When Dib had called him out on it, announcing that this was proof that Zim was an alien, Zim had backtracked and insisted he was joking. The class accepted it, but Dib did not. How could they think he was joking? Zim's jokes were terrible!

It had made him curious, though. Irkens didn't need sleep? How did they recharge? Didn't they get tired? Did their Paks have something to do with it? Did Zim have a bed if he didn't sleep? Did he even know what that was? What did he do during the night while Dib was sleeping, unable to supervise him, if he didn't need to sleep?

As much as Dib wanted to stop Zim from taking over the world and watch him be dissected at the hands of humans, he wanted to know about him, too. Aliens, obviously, were a passion of his, and what with having one sit at the opposite end of him in class, if he learned nothing about him, what was the point?

"Forget it, Dib-worm. I will not reveal irken secrets to the likes of you! And besides, I couldn't care less about the humans' night-time activities."

Zim started to walk away again, but Dib wasn't giving up. "Well, how is it any different from your planet? And don't deny being an alien, nobody is around."

"Foolish human! You think you can weasel information out of the almighty ZIM?!" Zim exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at his rival. "Well TOO BAD! It isn't happening! Now leave Zim be!" He shooed, waving his finger at Dib as though sweeping him away.

Dib groaned. "I'm going to find out eventually! Whether you tell me or not! It may as well be willingly, rather than by you screaming on an amputation table!"

Zim let out a scream at the mere thought and took off running. Dib took chase. He tackled Zim, and the two of them fell to the floor. Zim tried to push himself up, but Dib pushed all his weight on the irken Invader, pinning his torso to the floor.

"Tell me, Zim! I didn't want to have to do this the hard way- well, maybe I did, but still- tell me your secrets!" Dib ordered, and Zim struggled to get up.

"NEVEEEEER!" The alien yelled and pushed up roughly, knocking the human off of him and taking a mad dash for his base. Dib quickly got up and pursued.

Well, maybe this was going a little far, but Dib had lived his whole life thinking about aliens. Now that he had one so close to him, what kind of a paranormal investigator was he if he couldn't even find out if Zim needed sleep or not?

They rounded a corner and were on the streets, which were busy and crowded, filled with people. Vaguely aware of the fact that they were now in public eye, he launched himself at Zim again, who dodged with a squeal. The chase continued, the two of the weaving around people, trying to avoid being hit, when Zim tripped over a crack in the side walk. Dib doggy piled onto him, and Zim let out a cry of anguish at the force on his back.

"Get off!" He yelled, trying to shake the human off, but Dib pinned his wrists to the pavement.

"No! If you don't tell me about your race, I'll take your wig and contacts off in the middle of public eye! And don't even think about using your Pak, because if you use that then you may as well be taking off your disguise yourself!" Dib commanded, squeezing Zim's wrists. The irken let out a series of angry noises, trying to get up, but it was no use. Panicked at the thought of having the boy so close to his disguise and so willing to remove it, Zim screamed again.

"Humans! Help me! Get this boy off of me!" He yelled wildly, but it didn't seem at that any of the humans who had stopped to watch their brawl were planning on helping him up. Zim growled _. Humans are so_ _ **stupid!**_ _Why won't they get him off of me?_ Zim thought, panicked.

The situation had become severe horribly quick. Zim, pinned underneath Dib in front of what may as well be the human government, was being forced to give up irken secrets and intel. He couldn't use his Pak, since there were too many witnesses, but he couldn't get Dib off of him, either. He couldn't even call Gir for help without using his Pak, which would be suspicious to the humans. Basically, his only options were to betray the Tallest and tell the human what he wanted to know, chancing him using the information revealed against Zim and ruining his mission, or risk being caught by the human government because the human removed his disguise and tortured into talking and betraying the Tallest. Either way, Zim was trapped.

"NO! NOOOOO! I WON'T BETRAY MY TALLEST! I CAN'T BETRAY MY TALLEST!" Zim cried out, struggling against his human restraint.

"Tell me about the Tallest! Who are they? Your leaders? Your masters? HUH? Tell me or I'll lift the wig! Everyone will see your antennas, Zim! Are you ready to become a government experiment? ARE YOU?"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Zim screeched, as though he were already being tortured.

"THEN TELL ME!" Dib hollered, pushing harder.

"MY LEADERS! THE TALLEST ARE MY LEADERS, THE IRKEN LEADERS!" Zim yelled, and Dib shone triumphantly. Murmurs rippled through the crowd around them, and Zim paled slightly at his own words.

"Ah-ha! Why were you sent to Earth? Why do you want to destroy this planet?" The boy in power questioned, and Zim let out more droning whines.

"I'M HUMAN! I'M HUMAN, AND THIS MONSTER IS ATTACKING ME! SOMEBODY, GET HIM OFF OF ME!" Zim yelled, panicking. He had just revealed irken information. Around humans! What if somebody had a camera? What if he was caught?

_The Tallest will kill me for revealing irken secrets to the creatures I should be ruling!_ Zim thought to himself. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be experimented on. Fear ran through his veins, making his blood cold. No. No, he wouldn't let this happen. He didn't care; he had to get out.

"Nobody is going to save you from your fate, Zim! Tell me!" Dib yelled into where his ears would be, should he have been human. Zim closed his eyes at the sound, trying to block it out. He was truly scared, and his fear filled him with anger. Oh, Dib will pay for this. He will pay, and Zim will laugh.

Zim extended his communicated from his Pak, not caring how it must look. He needed help. He needed out. "Gir! Minimoose! Somebody, help me! HELP ME!" He yelled into the microphone, before Dib snatched it away from him. He disconnected it from his Pak, earning a sharp squeak of pain from Zim, and threw it away from him. It bounced off of a humans head, but they didn't seem to react.

While Dib was distracted, Zim twisted, kicking Dib off of him, who tumbled to the floor with his eyes wide. Zim pushed himself up, scrambling for his footing, before pushing his way out of the crowd and as far away from Dib as possible. He ran like his life depended on it, Dib following shortly behind. Zim could hear Dib yelling his name in outrage, but Zim didn't look back. He rounded another corner, turning down a quieter pathway, before finally being able to see his home. Well, not his home. His base.

As he was running, he saw Gir open the door. "HIYA MASTA!" The Sir unit greeted, walking out to his master. Zim grabbed him by the head of his dog costume and threw him back inside the house, right behind him. Zim shut the door frantically, leaning against the door frame as though he expected Dib to try and break the door down. His chest heaved and he gasped in air, tired and frightened.

"C-Computer, make him go away!" He all but whined, not willing to deal with the human any more. He hated this. He hated not being the one in power. He hated not being the one threatening and smirking confidently; he hated being the one having to hide, being the one to have to ask for help. He was an _invader_ for Irk's sake, not some pathetic… _human._

"Master, there is nobody on the premises," The computer informed him, the disembodied voice sounding as bored as it usually did. Zim's eyes widened in surprise and he ran to the window, eyes narrowed as he searched. The computer was right; Dib was nowhere to be seen. He must have gotten bored and admitted defeat.

"Ha! A win for Zim! I have bested the human!" Zim said, hands on his hips. "Oh, how he shall pay. He will rue the day he tried to reveal Zim to the humans. He will RUE IT!"

He stomped through his house, heading to the garbage can and climbing in. He waited as the elevator took him down to his base, tapping his foot impatiently. Oh, Dib would pay. Dib would pay _severely_ for his actions.

"That insufferable pip-squeak thought he could get the best of Zim. He thought he could extract information from me, the almighty, all powerful **_ZIM?_** I AM ZIM! I will not be... _toyed_ with by the likes of his. No, this time he came too close. I cannot afford to put this off any longer. Not like I was putting it off in the first place, but still- Dib will be deactivated for his actions. Zim will ensure it!" He ranted, sitting down in his commanding chair and slamming his hands on the control panel. He started to laugh.

"What's sooooooooo funny? Is there a cow down here? Cows are funny. So very very funny," Gir said dreamily, and Zim wondered how he got down to the base so quickly but shrugged it off, not caring. He also saw Minimoose floating behind the Sir, his face dead to the world. Zim smirked at his servants and swivelled his chair around to face them.

"Gir, Minimoose. We have a new mission. The Dib has made a fool of me one to many times. I will not stand for it!" He said, standing up. He shook a fist at air. "Today, he attempted to gain irken knowledge. He learned of the Tallest, but nothing more- I will ensure it stays this way. I must remove him from this world, even if it means permanently. Ah, who am I kidding? I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!"

He jumped back on his chair, letting out a laugh. He started to click some buttons, already formulating a plan, as Gir let out a cry. "YOU'RE GONNA KILL JENNY?" He cried, before actually starting to cry. Zim froze, dumbfounded, and turned back to the Sir.

"Who is Jenny? No, I don't care, I'll probably kill this Jenny too. Quit bothering me, Gir."

"But… You can't kill Jenny! Jenny doesn't want to die!"

"Well, sucks to be Jenny. I don't want to die either, Gir. That's why I'm doing this," Zim sighed, turning back in his chair and clicking more buttons.

"Howzatwork?" Gir asked, hoping into Zim's lap.

"Wha- GET OFF OF ME, GIR! I am trying to work. And for your _information,_ " He said, picking Gir up by the head and dropping him back on the floor with a loud c _lank_ , "if he revealed to this world of Zim's true identity, Zim would be captured. Zim would be a human test subject. Zim refuses to be in the mercy of those… _worms,_ Gir."

Gir got up from the floor and leaned on his master's chair. "But you wouldn't die, wouldja?" Gir asked innocently.

"Possibly not, but that isn't something Zim will chance. Besides, if Zim is captured by his enemies, Zim cannot complete his mission. The Tallest would not be happy with me if that happened, Gir. Do you understand? They'd probably kill Zim themselves. Not to mention I'd have to use my self-destruct button, which I'd rather not do. Do you see the severity in this, Gir? Do you see why I am going to kill Dib? Do you _see_ why you are going to obey master and help him destroy his enemy for once and all?" Zim said, as though he were talking to a child. Well, he may as well have been.

Gir had tears in his robotic eyes again. He wiped them off with his arm, sniffling. "Poor Jenny… Bye Jenny. Dead Jenny."

"Yes, Gir. Dead Jenny. A dead Jenny is a good Jenny. Now leave me be. I have much to do," Zim said, and, thankfully, his teary-eyed servant left him be. Minimoose remained, but it wasn't like he was doing much to distract the irken, who was now working in silence.

As he was working, Zim did not notice the small recorder placed on his Pak. He did not realize that his enemy was listening to every word, a sinking feeling in Dib's stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I capitalize irken or not. You don't capitalize human, so.... Idk.


	3. Party Animal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a bit, I'm so stressed you could put a cup to my head and hear AHHHHHHHHHHH. So this is a silly kinda chapter to make me feel better.
> 
> NO PAIRINGS YO But I'm a sucker for the enemy gig between Dib and Zim you'll see what I mean eventually.
> 
> Alphabet: C for Chaos
> 
> Description: Zim comes home from skool early to find Gir has thrown a party.
> 
> For animals.
> 
> Of course.

Zim sighed, kicking the side walk angrily as he walked back to his house from skool.

Of _course_ Dib would pull a water balloon out of who knows where in the _middle_ of class and throw it at him _._ Of _course_ Zim wasn't paying attention to the boring lesson being taught, so when Dib stood up on his desk spontaneously and yelled "do **humans** burn when their skin comes into contact with water like this?" Zim didn't go on guard and instantly duck for cover. Of _course_ the balloon hit him, knocking him out of his chair in shock and searing his skin. Of fucking _course_ Zim started to scream and ran out of the class, because of _course_ Zim hadn't bathed in paste that day, because of _course_ the weather hadn't called for rain.

Zim didn't return to class after that. He left the skool, furious and ashamed at himself for thinking he would be safe with his human peers. He didn't know if his mission was compromised. He should probably go back and come up with an excuse to ensure nobody actually believed Dib about him being an alien and whatnot. He didn't, though. Just continued walking, fists clenched and corners of his mouth turned down in a scowl.

He reached his house, throwing the door open and slamming it against the wall. He yelled, anger taking over him. Then he heard the music, and he took in his surroundings, a sinking feeling in his squeedily spooch.

The house was a mess. Mud was everywhere; toilet paper and streamers were draped across the room, sparkling due to the glitter. There was a disco ball attached to the ceiling (aka. Hanging from the wires that made up the ceiling and programmed the computer), and animals scattered around the room. A pig was rolling around on the couch, two squirrels were chewing on cables for the television, various creatures Zim couldn't name ran through the house to the beat of the music, and a mouse scurried past him and ran out the open door in fear. The movement didn't seem to have ceased at Zim's outburst, so he just stood there, dumbfounded before fury consumed him.

"GIR! GIR, WHERE ARE YOU!" Zim screamed, slamming the door closed. He stomped through the living room, doing his best to ignore the animals in his search for the source of the chaos.

He heard the little robot squeal over the disco music and followed the noise to the kitchen, where he found Gir dancing on the table, shaking his hips and waving his arms over his head. In his hands, he was holding what looked like a turtle (Zim didn't even know what a turtle was, for Pete's sake).

He was practically fuming. "Gir!"

The small robot didn't hear him. Zim fought off the urge to murder the Sir unit. "GIR!"

Gir looked over at him, pausing momentarily before putting the turtle down on the table and waving at him. "HI MASTA! WOW, YOU'RE HOME EARLY!" He observed, sticking out his tongue.

Zim walked over to the table, trying to keep his cool but failing miserably. "Gir, why are there animals in my _secret_ base?" He asked harshly.

Gir thought for a second. "We're having a party!" He responded helpfully, looking proud of himself.

"And how often do throw parties for animals while I'm in skool?" Zim demanded.

Gir sat down on the edge of the table. "Uhhhhhh, I don't knowww…"

Trying not to throw the Sir against a wall, Zim sighed. This was most likely an often occurrence, knowing Gir. His idiot Sir could accidentally let a human into the base, and then what? Were there animals in the actual _base_ part of his base? What if one of them pressed a wrong button and called the Tallest? What if Dib ditched skool and dressed up like an animal, and Gir was such a big stupid idiot that he let him in? There were so many things wrong with was Gir was doing, Zim's head was swimming.

**"** **ENOUGH!"** Zim yelled, loud enough that an animal jumped up in fright and hit a button on the speaker, turning it off. Silence filled the house, and Zim glared at Gir, who still had his tongue out innocently.

"Gir, Get _all_ of these animals out of here, clean _up_ this mess, and never, _ever,_ _ **ever**_ hold a party at the base, **_ever_** again. I don't care if you're holding it for fauna, for flora, or for the whole of the Irken Empire. I **NEVER** want you to have a party in this house again, do you understand, Gir?" He ordered, and the robot looked thrilled.

"Okay!" He squealed, standing up and jumping off the table. Zim watched at Gir picked up an animal (a beaver? How did he get a beaver? Where did he get any of these animals?) And headed to the living room, walking through it and opening the door. He put it down on the yard, patting it on the head before closing the door again. Zim followed, watching with a blank face.

"What was that?" He asked, dumbfounded. Gir shrugged.

"I was gettin' rid 'o the animals!" He yelled, and Zim groaned.

"Gir, you got rid of one animal. There's at least 20 animals in the house part of the base alone! Gir, there's a deer in the corner!" Zim yelled back, pointing to the deer in the corner.

Gir put his finger on his chin. He shrugged again. Zim wanted to pull the hairs out of his wig. "Get rid of these animals now, Gir!"

"Yes, my lord!" Gir complied, eyes going red as he started running around, collecting animals and placing them (relatively neatly) on the lawn. As Gir did this, Zim praised him for listening for once in his life and went down to his irken base He figured Gir could handle the house if he did it often enough that Zim wasn't aware of it. In the base, he made sure there were no animals prancing about, but the coast was clear.

He walked to his signature chair which was surrounded by monitors and sat down, slamming his head on the control panel. Gir was going to get them caught one of these days, if it wasn't Zim himself who got them caught. What if the humans realized the truth? What if, after Zim left, Dib was somehow able to convince their feeble minds that Zim was an alien after all?

Zim _really_ didn't want to be at the mercy of the humans. He didn't want to be on an operating table, to be used as a test subject. He didn't want to be a piece in a museum.

Mostly, though, he didn't want Dib to win. That guy had a big enough head already.

Zim lifted his head and leaned back in his chair, looking at the blank screens before turning them on. He stared at the irken scripture, reading it and appreciating the fine lines much more then the human language. He clicked some buttons and pressed some keys, formulating a plan to get back at Dib. He would pay for this. He would rue the day he ever picked a fight with the almighty Zim!

* * *

The next day, Zim went into skool, ready to give out his excuse for the water burning him and holding his self-destruct button in his hand. Okay, so he hadn't actually come up with a _plan,_ but an excuse and a way out was good enough for now, right?

He might not need it. He might need it. Either way, he wasn't going to let himself be captured and tormented by the humans. Not if they wanted irken information. That's why he had the button. Just in case. He had to protect the armada at all costs, and never let anybody know anything about the irken race. Nothing that could endanger the Tallest, or reveal weaknesses that could be used against them (ie. the water).

Rule #97 of Invader Training: You Don't Come First. The Tallest Come First, and The Irken Empire As A Whole.

Or, in other words: if you get captured and cannot escape, if you are revealed irken and questioned with jurisdiction, or if you are at risk of receiving damage to your personal well-being to reveal irken secret, you must eliminate all chances of any irken secrets being leaked by eliminating yourself. Simple, really.

Just in case.

Either way, he was ready, so when he walked into the classroom and a skool counsellor came up to him, telling him that she was formally apologizing on behalf of the school district and the student that had thrown a balloon filled with what they assumed to be poisonous acid at Zim and then accused him of being an alien, Zim was surprised. He was even more surprised to find out that the student was sent to the principal's office and forced to write an apology essay (that Zim had to approve of) as punishment.

Zim was delighted, and the self-destruct disappeared, along with his bad excuse of being 'severely allergic.' Zim had to approve of Dib's essay in order to be done with the whole issue (something about avoiding a lawsuit, but Zim couldn't care less about human laws), so, naturally, Zim denied every essay he wrote until Dib came up to him in his free time, literally begging him to stop. Zim accepted, but only because Dib begged, and because he gave him $20. Zim didn't have a job of his own, so he didn't have much Earth currency, which came in handy when he needed to take a cab some place (he couldn't drive but hated the bus, though he mostly walked or rode on Gir) or for when Gir demanded food that they needed to purchase.

So, in the end, Dib had to beg him for something, Dib had to bribe him for something, Dib had to repeatedly apologize to him for something, and Zim didn't get in trouble whatsoever.

The only outstanding factor was Gir, but that was never going to change, so there wasn't a point in counting it.

Zim wondered why he worried so much.


	4. Drunk with Glory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long ass wait between updates. I've written like 5 other chapters for this fanfiction, but I'm trying to go by the alphabet, remember? So, enjoy! 
> 
> Description: Zim goes after Dib with a weapon, but the plan goes wrong when Zim winds up hitting himself and becomes delirious. 
> 
> Alphabet: D for Delirious 
> 
> No pairings, just Dib and Zim fluffy rivalry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter is a bit hard to follow, if it is please let me know and I'll see if I can fix it.

“Haha! Fear me, Dib-meat!” Zim yelled, chasing the human through the streets, weapon at ready.  

He had created a blaster that would have messed with Dib’s head, causing him to become disorientated for an indefinite period of time. It was faint, not nearly enough to kill the human, since Zim still wanted Dib to watch as he successfully took over the Earth. Still, it would have made him incapable of preventing Zim’s reign of terror. 

He was lucky it was temporary. 

Dib let out a yelp of fear as Zim gained on him with his robotic legs, the small green alien in disguise leaping over him and cutting him off. Zim laughed as Dib tripped attempting to skid to a stop, instead falling over and scrambling to get up. A robotic leg slammed into his coat’s collar, dangerously close to his neck, refusing to let Dib stand. 

The boy pushed against the leg, but two more came down and pinned the end of his coat and his sleeve to the floor. Dib squirmed, grunting in effort, but couldn't get up. 

Above him, Zim laughed harder, curling into himself slightly at the sight of his enemy trapped before him. “Struggle all you want, human,” He chuckled, raising his blaster, “It’s no use.” 

The weapon whirred as Zim pulled the trigger, charging up momentarily before the sound died. Nothing happened. 

Zim frowned, shaking the gun before giving it a good smack. The whirring returned, and Zim laughed in victory once again, aiming it at Dib’s head. The noise died again. 

Nothing happened. 

Zim started at his creation, furious. He shook the weapon, yelling in anger, before turning it to face him. What was wrong with this thing? 

He tried to see if something was stuck inside of the barrel of the gun, staring into it in angry confusion. He groaned in thought as he tried to figure out what was wrong with it, ignoring his nemesis’ struggles. 

Then he got an idea. He flicked a button on the blaster, realizing the guard was still on. The whirring returned, and before Zim could relish in his victory as his weapon finally was brought to life, it fired. Right into Zim's face. 

The green alien screamed, Pak legs releasing Dib and scampering backwards in shock and pain. 

Dib crawled up from his spot on the floor and faced Zim, ready to attack, but stopped and watched as Zim screeched. The irken soldier retracted his Pak legs and fell to the floor, pawing at his face before starting to cradle it. 

Dib burst out laughing. Did Zim really just shoot himself with his own gun? What the hell? 

So Dib just watched, laughing and crossing his arms, as Zim held his head as though fighting off a migraine. 

Zim moaned, and released his head, looking dazed. He looked around for a moment, squinting through his contacts, before his eyes landed on Dib. It seemed to take him a moment to recognize it was Dib, considering the point of time in which he just stared at the smirking human. When he finally came too, his eyes bulged out of his head and he screamed, sprinting off of the floor and hopping away from Dib. 

Dib laughed harder, doubling over at how  _ stupid  _ Zim was. He looked a little unsteady on his feet, swaying slightly and holding his head again, like the theoretical headache had returned. The alien hissed and glared at him. 

Then Zim said something that was  _ not  _ English, and Dib stopped laughing. 

“What?” Dib asked, shocked that to hear the irken speak it’s alien tongue. Zim seemed a bit shocked, too, for he shook his head, said something else in Irken, and finally figured out how English worked. 

“I... Will  _ destroy you  _ for this, D… Dib-stink,” Zim threatened, confused but angry. 

“For what? You shot yourself, Zim,”  Dib chuckled, trying to shake off the oddity of what just happened. 

He had heard the Irken language before. When he first sat upon his roof and had overheard the transmission of some sort of an alien language, he put two and two together and identified it as Irken (it was kind of hard not to when six months later an alien basically showed up at his front door); however, his computer had translated the language for him then.

 All irkens seemed to share the same language, Dib realized from the data his computer had given him. Probably some propaganda ‘we’re all the same’ stuff, he figured. 

 Almost instantly, he had tried to learn the foreign language; he was glad his father had given him a laptop that could translate  _ literally  _ universal languages. How it worked, he wasn't too sure, but who cares, right? 

He had learned quite a bit in those six months before Zim showed up, and even after. He didn't know what Zim had said, but he knew enough to translate when he was able to communicate with the Tallest. 

(Things were easier for Zim- all he had to do was hook his Pak up to his Computer and download relevant human languages he would need for the duration of his stay). 

Therefore, it was weird for Zim to just suddenly speak irken when there was no reason too. It was like he forgot what language he was supposed to be speaking.

“NONSENSE! I shot  _ your _ self.” 

“That doesn't make sense.” 

“ _ You  _ don’t make sense,” Zim quipped, and then, much to Dib's dismay, started to laugh. Not Zim's usual ‘HAHAHA I’M SO FUNNY’ laugh, but an actual, genuine laugh, as though he really thought he had said something funny. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Dib asked, raising one eyebrow. 

Zim scoffed, but it lasted a bit too long to even be considered a scoff.

“I DON’T KNOw what you’re talking ab… about,” Zim slurred, sounding confused at his words. “Wait, what…” 

Zim shook his head. He pointed accusingly at Dib. “What’d you DO, Dib-stink?” He yelled, eyes lighting up in flames. 

Dib raised his hands innocently. “Hey, don’t look at  _ me _ . You’re the one who messed up your own stupid plan! What was it even supposed to do?” He asked, starting to laugh towards the end of the sentence. The look on Zim’s face was  _ priceless. _

“YOU,” The alien clenched his fists “Were supposed tro… to.... Woah,” He stumbled, dizzy for a moment, and held his head. He closed his eyes, wavering slightly but otherwise still, before he looked back at Dib.”What… Ehehehe… Woah.” 

Dib stared at him, blinking. Zim started to laugh like a maniac, leaving Dib in utter confusion. What the hell did Zim hit himself with? What was Dib supposed to do in this situation? Should he just go home or something? Did he use this against Zim? No, wait, ya! He could use this against him! 

Zim finished laughing, and was now stifling off giggles. “I-I’m going home,” He said, extending his communicator from his Pak. “Gir!”

“Yeeeeeesum?” Came the robotic response. 

“Com’ere… I-I’ve gotta- I need you to com’ere,” He said, and started to giggle quietly to himself. 

“What’s goin’ on, Masta?” Gir asked curiously, and Zim shook his head, not seeming to understand that Gir would be unable to see the action. Instead, he shut off the communicator and it retracted back into the Pak, leaving Gir’s question unanswered. 

Dib smirked. Zim was delirious! It was like he was drunk or something. This was perfect! 

“Hey, Zim, you’re an alien, right?” He asked, and Zim looked around as though he didn't know where the noise was coming from. He spotted Dib and narrowed his eyes. 

“I’ll have you  _ know,  _ Dib-stink, imma… I am a perfect _ ly  _ regular worm baby, through and through,” He got out, crossing his arms indignantly. His eyes were looking past Dib, though, as though he wasn't even paying attention. It must have taken energy to get his sentence out. 

Wishing he had his camera, he instead pulled out his phone and started to video tape. Zim still had his disguise on, but if he could get Zim to say what he wanted before Gir showed up (and maybe after, who knew with that guy) then he could show the Swollen Eyeball! Maybe somebody would  _ actually  _ believe him! 

“So, Zim… What is your home planet Irk like?” Dib asked, filming the alien, who was sending him a furious death glare. 

“You’re head's so  _ big,”  _ he said in amazement, his eyes holding an unfitting fury in comparison to his tone of voice. 

“Tell me about the Tallest!” Dib demanded, and Zim let out a loud groan. 

“You’re so  _ loud _ , Earth-boy,” Zim said, whispering the ‘loud’. 

“Zim, come on. The- the Tallest are stupid, and they think you’re stupid!”  Dib tried, and Zim yelled. 

“You LIE! LIE LIE LIE! The Tallest are so tall, they could  _ never  _ be stupid!” Zim screamed, falling over from what Dib had to assume was the force of his own voice. 

“AHA! So the Tallest  _ are  _ your leaders, and the leaders of your planet Irk?” Dib asked, his voice rising in excitement. He had this on tape! 

“The Tallest… They’re so  _ tall _ ,” Zim said dreamily from his spot on the floor. 

“...And they’re your leaders?” 

Zim giggled, curling in on himself as though he were about to sleep. “I would follow them until the end of the world.”

“And you’d destroy Earth for them?”

“Well,  _ duh.  _ Why do you think I was on this planet in the first place, Dibby-wibby?” Zim giggled, like it was obvious. 

Dib blinked. Dibby-wibby? Did Zim even realize anything was coming out of his mouth?” 

Probably not. Ah, well. All the better for Dib. 

“SO, Zim, just to recap; you’re an alien from the planet Irk who was sent by the Tallest to destroy the Earth and all life on it?”

Zim stared at the floor. “Uh-huh,” He said passively. 

“Yes! Thank you, Zim, for proving what I've been trying to prove my whole life. That aliens are real, and they’re here to destroy us all!” He said excitedly, moving the camera lens to face him. 

“Dib Membrane here, paranormal investigator and exposure of aliens.” 

He turned off his phone, shoving it back in his pocket and looking back at the alien dozing on the floor. 

“Are you asleep?” He asked, and Zim twisted his head to face Dib, revealing that his eyes were wide open. 

“I don't sleep, Dib-Dib. I AM SO AWAKE RIGHT KNOW”` He started yelling suddenly, hopping up from the floor and swaying a bit, having to hold out his arms and step to the left to keep from falling back over. “You don’t even  _ know.” _

Dib blinked, looking around. Okay, now what? He’s got proof. He could try and take off Zim's costume, but he already had what he thought he needed (plus he didn't want to have to try and take out Zim's contacts. Gross).

“So… Is Gir just gonna pick you up?” He asked. His enemy let out a moan that  Dib took as confirmation. 

The blaster was on the floor near Zim, Dib noticed. He picked it up, beaming. More proof! 

Gir arrived, and Dib quickly shoved it in his coat. The robot dressed as a dog shut off his thrusters and stared between the two of them, silently walking over to his master and grabbing his hand. Zim watched as the little dog did so, not removing his hand. 

The robot looked back at Dib, clearly shocked that Zim was willingly holding his hand, and made an over exaggerated face that resulted in both his mouth and eyes being opened to their full extent. Then he took off, lifting the irken off the ground and carrying the him back to his base. 

Dib stared at the place where they once were, ecstatic. He had proof! Finally, he had proof!

* * *

“What is this, agent Moth Man?” Asked agent Dark Booty.    


“It’s proof! He admitted to being an alien! See, I was right!” Dib said ecstatically. Dark Booty pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Moth Man, this looks like a child who was been drugged and clearly doesn't know what is going on,” Dark Booty said, sounding 100% done. 

Dib’s jaw hung open. “No, no, he isn't drugged! He…” Dib stopped. Huh. He kind of  _ was _ drugged. Sure, he did it to himself, but it was clearly intended for him. 

That’s it! Zim was probably planning on using the weapon to drug him, so when Zim tried to take over the world (or something) Dib wouldn't be a threat! Oh, that cunning bastard. 

“I…” Dib started, but knew it was useless. The Swollen Eyeball’s agent held up a hand to stop him. 

“I've seen enough, agent Moth Man. Goodbye.” Dark Booty sighed, signing off and plunging his room into darkness. 

Dib stared at the place where the agent once was. He sighed, rubbing his face and letting out a long, whiny moan of defeat. Even when Zim was drugged, he still beat him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were wondering why irken is capitalized in some spots and not others, its because I'm talking about the language (which Idk what it's called so I just called it 'the Irken lanuage'). You capitalize English, but not human, so I'm going off the idea that you capitalize Irken, but not irken. Idk man. Earth for Earth, same as Irk for Irk. My history textbook capitalizes Earth, but not my math, which is odd, so idk. Idk!  
> Either way, tell me if I fucked up or something. Thanks, feel free to leave prompts or suggestions, have a nice day, and I hope you enjoyed this! :)


	5. Bad Bad Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alphabet: E for Evil
> 
> Description: Dib knows Zim is evil, he just doesn't understand how someone so evil could be so bad at it.
> 
> NO PAIRINGS but as usual, enjoy, and I accept requests!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes! So, after this one, there’s going to be a bit of a wait for the next chapter. Not a hiatus or anything, It isn't gonna be that long, but I'm moving and I've been doing an awful lot of cleaning and packing, and it’s been taking forever. I haven’t had time to start on F, but since I got a request for this letter, I've decided I'm going to do what was recommended. I'm pushing my idea for F to different letter, but since I haven’t started writing this chapter, what is just said is NOT 100%. I'm still thinking. I'm also really busy, so ya, might be a week or two (or three) before you get F. Sorry.
> 
> Also, this chapter is pretty short, so sorry for that too. I’d have added more to it, but like I said, I just don’t have the time right now.

 

  Honestly, Dib was at a loss for words.

 His whole life he had believed in the myths, the lies and the legends. To him, everything had a chance to be real. He didn't see why they  _wouldn't_ be. There was far more evidence that they were real then they were fake, so was it _really_ so far-fetched to believe?

 Apparently. Nobody ever believed him, even though he had solid proof. What proof, you ask? Well, for starters, the _green kid with no ears, nose,_ or even the _correct amount of fingers._

_Seriously,_ how were people _still_ not getting this? Zim was an alien!

 It infuriated Dib. Why couldn't other people see what he did? Why was he the only one who saw the world for how it really was? How was everybody else so _stupid_ that they couldn't see paranormal, or, in this case, extraterrestrial, when it was staring them right in eyes?

 Sometimes, though, Dib wondered if it was him. He wasn't insane; he knew that. No matter what literally everybody he met, even (and especially) his own father, said. He was **not** insane. However, there had to be some reason for why he was the only one who saw the horrors of the world. Was there something wrong with him?

 Maybe there was. Maybe there wasn't. The point was that there was an alien in their class who wanted to take over the world and Dib was the only one who could stop him because he was the only one who could see him for what he truly was. An alien. A murderous, violent, dangerous alien.

 Dib was snapped out his thoughts at the sound of Zim’s scream. He saw the alien (in his disguise, of course, since they were in class) pulling madly at his arms, tearing them as far away from each other as possible. His elbows did not get very far, though, as his pointer fingers were stuck to each other via the Chinese finger trap Zita had given to him as a joke.

 The alien was out of his chair, causing the whole class to stare at him, but he didn't seem to care. He wiggled his arms and body, trying to free himself. Then he started yelling at Zita for ‘thinking he could trick the Mighty Zim’ and so on and so forth, but the student seemed unfazed, if not weirded out. Frowning, he continued to pull at his fingers violently. He ended up losing his balance and falling on the floor, earning an eruption of laughter from his class members.

 Dib, too, smiled. This was so stupid. How did Zim ever plan on taking over the planet? He was such an idiot, Dib could go into retirement and the world would be fine.

 Still, it was the fact that Zim _did_ want to take over the world that got to him. Not because he was worried about the planet, no, because this meant he was _right._

 All this time, all of Dib’s ‘aliens are real and want to take over the world’s and ‘the aliens will kill us all’ were true. They were true, and Dib was right, and everybody, e _verybody_ else was wrong, wrong about _him_ , the proof was _right freaking there,_ and yet they still didn't believe him.

 Zim is evil. Zim wants to take over the world. Zim would tell his evil race about Earth, and when he failed they would come and finish the job. Zim would tell his evil race about Earth, and when he succeeds, they would come to colonize it and enslave the human race. Zim is _evil._ An idiot, sure, but still evil. Dib didn't dare underestimate him, no matter how much he wanted to at times. He had come very close to defeating Dib many times, and Dib was scared of what he could do at times.

 The irken had managed to push himself off the ground with his elbows and was now staring back at the class, confused. He joined in on their laughing, not understanding that he was the joke. That, or he simply didn't know what else to do in the scenario.

 When the class noticed him laughing as well, the laughter subsided, and soon the class was completely silent. Zim stared at everybody for a moment before taking his seat again.

 The class went back to their bookwork, and Zim continued to stare at his trapped fingers, confused and slightly worried.

 Dib rolled his eyes. Zim really was stupid.

 How could something so evil be so bad at being evil? Hell, he’d say Zim wasn't trying if it wasn't for the fact that he just kept _going,_ making plans and failing and taking action and failing and keeping going when it was clear that Dib was just going to keep stopping him, no matter how close the call is sometimes. Someone so bad at being evil can’t even be considered evil, at this point. Detached from society, maybe. Angry and antisocial, a total dick without any regard for life beyond his own, slightly homicidal with visions of grandeur… things along those lines, sure. Evil seemed too strong of a word at this point.

 At least, that was Dib’s penny in the fountain. Was that the saying?

 Looking back at his own paper, he noticed a little doodle he had made in the corner of the page during one of his other classes. It was of him proudly standing over an undisguised Zim, who was lying on the floor, crying and very obviously defeated. Drawing Dib had a very anime-like style, with his arms flexing upright and his chest puffed out.  

 People were bowing before him.

 Him, not Zim.

 He deserved praise, not Zim.

 He was human, not Zim.

 And yet, to everybody else, he was the most alien of them all. Which was **bullshit.**

 Relentless shuffling noises caused by Zim tugging at his ensnarement sounded throughout the quiet class, earning quiet snickers from students. Zim glared behind him at the noise, which was silenced by the glare. He faced his desk again and wrestled with his fingers again, earning more snickers, and he let out a growl.

 Dib himself laughed at the situation, earning a death stare from the alien. Dib smirked at him, and Zim stuck out his long tongue.

 Dib went back to his work. There was no way that guy would take over the world. Was there?

 About two minutes later, Zim let out a loud “AHA! ZIM IS FREE!” followed by a speech about how the humans thought they had outsmarted the Mighty Zim, who is very clearly also a human (he stressed this point) and how Zim cannot be bested by anything they could throw at him, and they should all fear Zim, etc.

 He only stopped when the teacher came back into the room and started yelling at him, saying she could hear his rant from the teachers’ lounge.

 Honestly, Dib stopped listening _way_ before that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Invader Zim comics are so good I wanna barf


	6. Chicken Soup For The Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alphabet: F for Flu
> 
> Description: Zim has the flu and doesn't enjoy it one bit. Gir takes care of him, and Zim doesn't enjoy that, either. Not one bit, nope, no sir-y. 
> 
> Not really a ship thing but some people actually ship Zim and Gir so I mean enjoy your life you guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For requests, I always accept them, but for L I’m trying to do L for Love. What I wrote for that chapter is far too short to be a full chapter, so I might make separate drabbles for that chapter, so if there is anything you’d like to see done, please ask. I personally ship ZaDr, which is Zim and Dib, SO FUCKING HARD, so requests for that or platonic requests work too.  
> (Note: For sending requests, please say a scenario. Not just ‘do a ZaDr thing.’ Like what kind of a thing??? What do u guys want???)  
> Please enjoy and sorry for the long note and wait (tbh I thought you’d have to wait longer for this but my shift got cancelled and ma is too sick to move anything today so YAY).

“I MADE YOU SOUP!” Gir cried out from in the kitchen, and Zim tried not to barf at the thought of eating gross human food at a time like this.

 “Gir! That’s disgusting! I don’t want that vile garbage; I… I…” He started, but was caught off guard when he sneezed a high pitched, scream-like sneeze. His eyes widened at the noise that had emitted from his own mouth- he’d never done that before.

 Gir came rushing in, hands over his mouth and eyes wide and adoring. “Awww!” He purred, “You sneeze like a little kitty cat.”

 Zim scrunched up his face. Sneeze? Was that what he did? No, that was a human thing- it happened when a human was ‘sick’ with a cold or some other illness, or was in contact with something that reacted negatively to them, called ‘allergies’ (the same way Zim was allergic to water) _._

 _Thank you, health class, for being good for something,_ Zim silently thanked.

 Zim knew of sicknesses. They were frequent all over the galaxy, taking on many different forms and types, but he had never been sick himself. Sure, irkens _could_ get sick, but normally only from ingesting foreign sustenance or contracting viruses from the horrid germs of other planets.

  _Wait_ , Zim realized, _I am on a foreign plant. Did I catch some sort of Earth illness? EW!_

 The good thing about irkens (among many other good things) is that they are so modified, thanks to their Paks and years of evolution, that they don’t have any of their own illnesses any more. They could catch other illnesses, though- normally this only happened to irkens with broken Pak’s or weak blanks with low tolerances or immunities.

 Zim must be special, then, if he has a fully functional Pak and a completely normal body to work with, but was still sick. Right?

 “Huh. Well, Gir, it seems that I have contracted some sort of Earth virus. Good thing it’s the weekend- I’m staying put until I am better. The Mighty Zim cannot rule with a cold!”

 The robot still looked awe-inspired by his sneeze. Zim waved him off, and Gir ran back into the kitchen, returning a few moments later with the soup.

 “I MADE YOU SOUP!” He announced again. Zim stared at him blankly.

 “It’ll make you all evil-like again!” The robot told him, handing it over.

 “Gir, I'm still evil, I'm just- y’know- sitting out for a little bit. Until I get better. Why don’t you run along and- I don’t know, go play with the neighbourhood squirrels or whatever it is you do?”

 Gir shook his head, still attempting to get Zim to grab the soup. “I'm not going anywhere until you feel better!” He said happily, finally getting Zim to grab the bowl by snatching one of his hands and attaching it to the bowl.

 “OOOOOOH, Your hand’s chil-lay!” Gir squeaked, stepping back a bit.

 Zim sighed and got a better grip on the bowl, pushing Gir’s hand off of his in annoyance. “Of course it is. I’m cold-blooded,” He responded with a hefty chuckle. Gir ran out of the room, and Zim’s eyes followed him for a moment before he let out another sneeze. And then another. A few more after that, and Zim wanted to stick his hand down his throat to rip the sickness out of him. His head let out a sharp pang, and Zim closed his eyes, trying to ignore the pounding. It hurt sneezing without a nose- it all came from his mouth, and it was  _annoying._

Zim let out an angry groan that quickly turned into a scratchy yell which turned into a couching fit. He shook slightly for a moment before groaning again. "I HATE THIS! How can humans  _stand_ it? I BLAME DIB! HE SNEEZED THE OTHER DAY- HE DID THIS TO ME!" He cried out.

 He lied back more into the couch, still holding the soup and not caring in the slightest where his Sir unit went. When Gir came back, it was all he could do but bite back a moan. Especially since he was suddenly being tucked into a blanket.

 “Wha- GIR! GET OFF!” He yelled, shoving him and his blanket onto the floor.

 “But you’re cold!”

 “I'm _always_ cold, Gir! That’s how an irken’s skin is! Humans have warm skin, and you’re more used to that, ‘s all.”

 “But you’re _cold!”_

 The robot attempted to put the blanket back on him, and Zim pushed him away with one hand. “No, Gir! I’m- actually, it is a bit chilly in here. Fine, give it here, but then seriously, _stop,”_ Zim whined, feeling a shiver run through his bones. He was cold, now that he thought about it. He thought Gir had meant that his hands were cold, which was a given, but he _was_ actually cold himself. Was this a part of being sick? The heating was on normal, was it not? It’s spring season on this confusing planet, is it not?

 Gir put the blanket, which bore a large and rather silly drawing of a pig, on him, tucking him in delicately and sitting next to him when he finished. The robot crawled into the blanket with him. The irken sneezed, groaning as his head throbbed. Gir watched him, concerned, and Zim frowned.

 Honestly, Zim had the flu. Even he knew he wasn't going to die, despite it being an Earth sickness. His Pak was fighting the illness off, anyway, and he should be better in a couple of days. Why was Gir so worried? It’s not like _he_ could catch it.

 However, that wasn't going to stop him from being a drama queen and swearing vengeance upon the Dib for supposedly giving him this ill. 

 Zim stared at the robot for a moment before looking back at the soup in his hands. He lifted it to his face slowly, sticking out his tongue and catching its scent; it smelt like liquid flour. Gingerly, he stuck his tongue into it. It didn't burn him; it wasn't too hot, nor did it seem to literally burn him.

He poured some down his throat, and it didn’t taste too bad. Soon, he was finished with the bowl and put it on the table next to him. He noticed that Gir was holding the remote out to him. “What?” He asked, and Gir threw the remote at him. It hit his eye, which closed instinctively on impact.

 “Hey! No throwing!” Zim rubbed his eye and picked up the remote, ready to throw it back when he realized Gir was just… staring at him. And smiling. “Okay, seriously, what? What is it? _Tell Zim.”_

 “Put something on!” Gir instructed, snuggling up more in the blankets until he was leaning against Zim’s legs. Zim froze a bit at the contact, contemplating kicking him off the couch in total for even touching him, but after a moment of internal debating turned on the tv instead.

 Zim flipped through the channels a bit before finding a movie featuring an alien and a boy. They looked like friends. Zim would have scoffed at the mere concept of an alien and a human becoming friends, but he wasn't really paying attention. His head was sore, and he mainly put it on so Gir would have something to watch. To distract him, of course.

 Irken’s didn't need sleep, but they did recharge from time to time, if they were injured or drained, which was kind of like sleeping. They could fall unconscious as well, but their Pak’s normally shocked them back to consciousness almost immediately.

 Zim rested his head on the back wall and pressed a button on his Pak. After a moment, it let out a small noise that Zim recognized as confirmation that his mental order was being processed. “Gir, I’m going to recharge for a bit. It should help me get better. Don’t let anybody in the base, okay?”

 “WHAT?!” Gir yelled, pushing off of Zim and standing up. Zim felt a cold breeze where Gir was absent, and shivered.

 “I said-”

 “NOOOO!” Gir cried, lunging at Zim and engulfing him in a hug. The Sir unit started to cry, and Zim blinked in confusion. He’d already started to go into charge mode, though, and was starting to get tired.

 “Gir! Get off, seriously, quit touching me! I'm going to _rest,_ Gir, I’ll be back in… about 13 Earth hours, I think, if I'm converting that right, and I am,” Zim explained, moving his head to the armrest and fixing the blanket around his legs. 

 “YOU- You’re coming back?” Gir asked, wiping his eyes.

 “Of _course_ I’ll be back. I haven’t conquered Earth yet. Why wouldn't I come back?”

 Gir sat back down but didn't tuck himself in. “I saw a movie where this old lady got sick and died,” He said sadly, pointing at the tv- the boy was riding a bike through the air, the alien in the bike’s basket.

 Zim took a moment, trying not to fall under, before replying. “Gir, I'm not dying. I'm just tired. I’ll be back in a bit, okay? Just watch some tv or draw a… a picture… or something…” He yawned. The irken leaned up a bit, grabbing the opposite end of the blanket and wrapping it around Gir before lying back and falling asleep.

 Gir stared at Zim for a moment before looking back at the tv. The boy looked sad- where was the alien going?

 Zim wasn't going anywhere, Gir realized. And so long as Zim wasn't going anywhere (in life or in health), then Gir wouldn't be going anywhere, either.

 He stayed with Zim until his Master woke up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story, I haven’t seen E.T. I didn’t even know it was about an alien who got sick, I just thought the boy and alien would be a funny Dib and Zim parallel joke, but my sister told me otherwise. Way more relevant now, lol.


	7. Stay Sane In Insanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Description: Gir is insane, and Zim finally figures out how to use that little tidbit of information to his advantage. 
> 
> Alphabet: G for Gir 
> 
> No pairings but seriously by now y'all should know how much I ship ZaDr by now. Zim and Dib are pure and seriously you can't hate somebody that much and NOT want to get with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy howdy have I almost completely lost the will to live!!!! Hahaha I love to Suffer™. No worries though my guys, here’s another chapter for y’all. Enjoy! Stay fresh my ‘lil beans.   
> Also thanks so, so much for all of the kind reviews, PMs, and requests!!! Especially requests, ur ideas were all really cute and fun, and I promise I’ll try my darndest to incorporate them all into later chapters. I might have to change some of them to fit the letters and my style, but you’ll see them in my stories. If for whatever reason you don’t, then it isn’t because I don’t appreciate your suggestion- it’s purely a matter of writing. I really do appreciate all of the responses I got and I promise I’ll try to use them all, but this is just sort of fulfilled prophecy, I guess.

 “Please?”

“No.”

“Pretty please?”

“No, Gir.”

“BUT MASTER! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-“

 Zim sighed, growling at his idiotic Sir unit that for some _stupid_ reason wanted to go to the mall. With Zim. Apparently that part was not optional.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-“

“Oh for the love of- fine! Fine, we can go to the worm-baby consumer market. But afterwards, you have _got_ to let Zim work, Gir!” Zim all but pleaded, and Gir didn't respond, just smiled happily at him, swinging his body back and forth innocently. Zim pinched where the bridge of his nose would be should he have had one, which was an action he had seen many humans make when Zim was around.

 The two of them left for the mall, Gir singing the dreaded doom song the whole way there, Zim begrudgingly holding his dog collar. Dogs technically weren't allowed in the mall, but since Gir wouldn't _shut up about it,_ Zim snuck him in. There would be security officers inside the mall too, obviously, but Zim would deal with them later.

 And by deal with them, he meant he would accept getting kicked out of the mall for bringing in his dog and happily leave so that he could a _ctually get some work done._

 Gir ran through the mall happily, screaming with thrill, literally dragging Zim with him. The irken was struggling with holding the Sir’s leash as the tiny robot zoomed from one outlet to the next, barely looking inside of any of them before leaving and heading to another. Annoyingly, he chose to go diagonally as opposed to by the horizontal rows, resulting in them crossing the large walking spaces every time Gir headed into a store.

 It was a nightmare.

 Not to mention he was s _till screaming._

 “Gir!” Zim cried as he was sent flying from behind the robot, who had started using his rockets to transport himself. “Stop!”

 Gir elected to ignore him, scaring screaming customers as they threw themselves out of harms way. They crashed through a neatly stacked pyramid of cans of soup.

 “GIR! GIIIIIIIIIIR!” Zim yelled, panicking as his wig started to lift from his head, the top of it colliding with a flying can. He pushed it back up, still holding onto the leach with one hand.

**“OBEY!”** Zim cried, and at that exact moment, Gir cut off his rocket power, sending the both of them crashing to the floor. Zim got up fairly quickly, fists clenched.

 He couldn't  _believe_ this. Gir was doing nothing but waste his precious time! Honestly, that was all Gir ever did! Zim wanted to badly to strangle the robot, but he knew that that would do no good. Gir needed to learn from his mistakes, but it didn't seem like that would happen any time in the near future, and Zim didn't have the patience to wait. 

 “Gir! What was even the point of coming here? You haven’t even looked at any of the useless earth junk that you so _badly w_ anted to see! I could be back at the base, working, instead of holding onto your leach while you make a fool out of yourself, and by respect, me!” Zim yelled.

 People were starting to gather around them, trying to see what had caused all the commotion. Gir got up from the floor, staring at his through his doggy disguise with a blank face. He raised his little doggy arms. “I'M SORRY!” He yelled in a happy tone, running up to Zim and engulfing him in a hug.

 “Ach!” Zim cried, withdrawing, but could not get out of the hug. He admitted defeat, something he _rarely_ did, and then realized that he actually admitted defeat fairly often. Only because of Gir, too. The dumb robot could seemingly get him to do anything, just by being annoying. Then a thought hit him.

  _I can use this._

 “You know, Gir, I was being too harsh.” Zim lied, petting the dog suit. He looked up and noticed that whatever crowd was around them previously had dispersed. “You’re… a good dog, and… and a good Sir.” He sounded as though he was in pain with every passing word, but did his best to sound normal anyway.

 “Now, what do you say we head out, hmm? I have a place you would like to see.”

* * *

 

 Dib looked up from his studies at the sound of the doorbell.

 “GAZ! DOOR!” He yelled, turning his head back to his computer.

 “BUSY!” Came his sister’s scratchy response, and Dib sighed. _With what, video games?_ He thought to himself, but knowing he was probably right, he got up and walked to the door.

 He checked the security cameras and froze at the sight. However, noticing Zim nowhere in sight despite his robot dog sitting on Dib’s doorstep, he narrowed his eyes.

 He opened it slightly, revealing the dog he recognized as Gir. They stared at each other for a moment, neither saying anything. Dib cleared his throat. “What,” he demanded.

 “Masta said you’ze got TACOS!” Was the ever so intelligent response he got.

 “Uh… nope, no tacos here. Go away.” He said, closing the door. The doorbell rang again. And again. Dib opened the door again, wearing a poker face.

 “We don’t have any tacos here, Gir.”

 “BUT MASTA SAID YOU’ZE GOT-“

“Nope, Gir, no tacos. Zim lied ‘cause he’s an ass.”

 Gir stared up at him, furious. He turned into sentry mode. The eye-holes of his dog suit turned red and his stance became defensive. “Do not speak ill of my master, human.” He threatened, voice hard.

 Dib narrowed his eyes. “Oh, ya? Why not? What are you gonnaaAAAAAH!” Dib cried out as a laser shot past him, out of what he assumed was Gir’s fist. He didn't even know the robot _could_ do that!

 He fell backwards from shock and the robot made its way into the house from the crack in the door.

  ** _“TAAAAACOOOOOOOS!”_** The Sir unit screamed, voice deep and menacing. Gir ran into the house, moving like a soldier and seeking out the kitchen, finding it almost immediately (it wasn't that hard to miss, mind you).

 “AH! Gir! NO!” Dib cried, scrambling up and slamming the door shut, locking it before running after the intruder.

 Dib froze at the door frame, hands holding onto the trims as his eyes widened in amazement and anger.

 Almost _everything_ was on the floor. Boxes of cereal, granola bars, and other goods were thrown in messy piles. Fruit cups and cooking ingredients such as flour and extract covered the floor, and the fridge door hung open, though it seemed full still.

 Gir was at an open drawer, reaching in by standing on the top of a chair. He was haphazardly throwing items out at random, mouth open wide.

 “G-Gir, cut it out! Seriously, quit it!” Dib whined, stepping over the food littered all around the floor and making his way to the dog, who had emptied the drawer and had just slammed it shut.

  He jumped off the chair, landing on Dib’s head. Dib yelped at the sudden contact, ready to pry the robot off of his head, but he was gone before he had the chance to try anything. Gir jumped onto the counter behind Dib, pulling out the microwave from where it was tucked away neatly. The Sir hopped onto it and reached up to the drawer, just as Dib reached him. Gir swung the door open and climbed up the shelves, out of Dib’s reach.

 “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEHEHE,” The robot squealed, pulling out the first item within his reach. Which happened to be a bowl. A very breakable bowl. Crap, he was in the plate drawer.

 “Gir! Come down from there!” Dib yelled, panicked. He was already going to be in trouble for the mess Zim’s idiotic robot had created, but if he broke all the plates, well… Dib didn't even want to think about it.

 Dib barely caught the bowl that was launched at it him, followed by more giggles as another bowl was tossed down. “I-I’ll get you your taco! Just stop, Gir, Dad’ll kill me!”

 Gir held his fire. He looked to be considering something for a moment, before he dropped the last bowl on the floor with a _smash_ and slid down from the cupboard. He landed on the counter, sitting down on the edge of it and swinging his legs back and forth happily.

 Dib was furious, but knew that the robot would only act up more if he got angry. Swallowing down a collection of curses that Gir probably had never even heard before, he put his hands on his face, rubbing his eyes behind his glasses and dragging his hands down to his chin.

 “So… do you want to go to _Taco Bell_ or something? I don’t know where the taco stuff is in this mess,” Dib asked, staring ruefully at the covered floor. Some of the packages had broken, and along with shards of glass from the bowls that Dib hadn't caught, there were miscellaneous pieces of junk food and snacks everywhere.

 Gir smiled happily, jumping off of the counter. He hugged Dib’s leg before looking him dead in the eyes and saying, “I'm full!”

 Then he proceeded to leave. Dib heard the sound of the robot jumping, followed by front door unlocking and snapping open. He flinched at the _thunk_ that emitted from the door as it was slammed shut.

 The boy didn't move. He couldn't believe that this was how he was going to spend his Saturday off.

 He sighed a loud, droning sigh, staring at the roof. When he brought his head back down, he saw Gaz leaning against the door frame, smirking.

 “What, the security system you’re always bragging about broken?” Gaz mocked, knowing full well that Dib’s security system was, in fact, broken (an unfortunate incident that occurred when Dib stole one of Zim’s lawn gnomes to test on and didn’t realize how much weaponry it carried), and that she could have stepped in at any time. (Seriously, though, Dib still hadn’t figured how to repair the mainframe that had been blasted to bits, and starting from scratch would take for _ever)._

 “Har, har. Help me clean up,” Dib groaned, bending down to scoop up a pile of boxed cookies and Poop snacks. When he got no response, he looked up. Gaz was gone. Of course.

 Of fucking _course._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even just writing this chapter gave me horrible memories of that God awful fanfiction… The Gravity Falls one… You know the one… You KNOW the one.


	8. Hear No Evil, See No Evil... Etc

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No OBVIOUS pairings but seriously you guys you KNOW what I ship. 
> 
> Alphabet: H for Hide me.
> 
> Description: Zim gets discovered by the government and has nowhere else to turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes! So here’s another chapter- it felt kinda rushed to me, so sorry if that’s how u feel reading it, too. At least it fits the theme, which is basically GO GO GO GO GO!!! Also sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors, I just edited it but I'm not exactly… awake, per say. In other words I need some sleep but not now because now it’s time to GO GO GO GO GO!!!  
> Enjoy, and feel free to send me requests! Though I like the ones I've gotten, I could still use some stuff for L for Love! Please leave a review if u have the time and fav and all that jazz.   
> Oh and I'm officially moved in now the house is a mess but so am I so \\_0_/

 “I NEED YOUR HELP!”

 Dib blinked in shock, opening his mouth to let out a hearty laugh at the bare idea of him doing anything even _remotely_ helpful for his arch enemy purposefully, but was stopped when said arch enemy roughly shoved past him and made his way into Dib’s home. The irken looked panicked and ruffled, like he had been running, and was carrying his robot sidekick. Gir didn't seem to be moving- his eyes were a dull black.

 “Wha- hey! Get out of here! Zim, what’s-”

 “HIDE ME, HUMAN!” Cried his nemesis, lifting the couch with his Pak legs and sliding underneath. Dib realized that Zim was not in disguise, and that something seriously wrong must be going on for him to show up looking like an alien. Well, something seriously wrong must be going on for Zim to show up at all. Gir, too, wasn't wearing his signature doggy suit.

 “Zim! Why-”

 Then he heard it. Shouts. And… sirens? It was coming from outside, and it was loud. Dib rushed over to the window and looked out. Was… was that a _mob?_

 “DIB! Quiet down, would’ja? I'm trying to beat this level,” Gaz complained, stalking down the stairs angrily.

 Dib didn't look at his sister, just stepped back from the glass as the wave of people approached. He stared for a moment before closing the blinds and pulling over the curtains, checking the door to make sure it was locked. When he was sure it was, he glared at the couch, tapping his foot impatiently and hugging his arms across his chest.

 “Zim, if you don’t tell me why those people are after you and why you decided to come here instead of your own base in _five_ seconds, I'm going to throw you out,” Dib threatened, and Gaz stood next to him, staring at the couch.

 “Is Zim under there?” she asked.

 “I don’t know, Zim, are you under there?” Dib asked, leaning forwards slightly as he waited for a response.

 A few moments passed before a Pak leg lifted the couch up slightly and Zim poked his face out. He chuckled. “Ah-ha, yes, well… you see…”

 He was cut off when the door shook with the force of a knock. All three faces turned towards the door, and Zim yelped helplessly before shoving himself and Gir back under the couch. Dib narrowed his eyes, face turning from the couch to the door repeatedly in confliction.

The door shook again, and Gaz glared at him in annoyance before walking to the door. “Well, if _you’re_ not gonna get it…” She grumbled angrily to herself, a hand reaching for the door knob.

 “Gaz, wait!” Dib yelled, diving for his sister. He hadn't meant to, but he practically tackled her; the two of them went crashing to the floor, Dib landing right on his sister.

The two of them were quiet, both too shocked to move a muscle.

 “If you don’t get off of me in 0.2 seconds I will _actually_ murder you, Dib,” Gaz growled, and Dib instantly scrambled to roll himself off of her. The two of them stood up, Dib offering his sister a hand that she swatted away coldly.

 “Start talking,” Gaz ordered. Dib was about to explain that he didn't know any more than she did, but was stopped when the pounding ceased and was replaced with a voice on a megaphone.

 “Membrane household! We have evidence and reason to believe that you are harbouring an alien species. That alien is government property, and if it is not released willingly within the next… four minutes, we will retrieve it by force. We have the legal liability to take it, and we _will_ take it if is not handed over. I repeat, we _will_ take the alien by force if you do not hand it over within the next four minutes.” 

 Silence passed over the house, and Dib snuck a peak past the curtains. The mob was still there, but were now talking to each other passively, discussing something. Upfront with the megaphone were many men and women in professional looking suits.

  _Probably work for the government_ , Dib guessed. However, through all of this, he couldn't get over one fact: why had Zim come here? Was his base compromised? Why _here?_  

 There were pure black SUV’s behind the crowd, barely visible in the dark skies of night, be in not for their bright headlights illuminating the problem.

 Dib stepped back and returned to the couch with his sister and his enemy. He smirked and bent down to couch level, pleased as he saw the reflection of Zim’s narrowed and distrustful, arthropodic eyes.

 “Hi, Zim. So, tell me; why shouldn't I just hand you over to those _friendly_ little government men right here and now, saving Earth and making me a hero?” Dib asked sweetly, menace behind his words.

 Zim’s eyes widened for a moment before flooding with rage. “You will do no such thing! I am Zim!” He exclaimed. When he saw Dib’s unimpressed smirk, however, he frowned.

 “Or… because I said please?” He tried, voice squeaky and mouth in a forced, toothy smile.

 “No, you didn't.”

 Zim blinked. “Yes, I did… Though I am not surprised your feeble mind couldn't recall such a significant moment.”

 Dib sighed. “Zim, you do realize the situation you’re in, right? You’re an alien, _looking_ like an alien, being hunted and cornered by government guys who hunt aliens, in the home of your arch enemy and one of the world’s best paranormal investigators who _specializes_ in aliens?” He summarized, “There is literally no reason for me _not_ to hand you over right now.”

  “If you turn me in now, Dib, then I’ll escape… and bring the _mighty wrath_ of the Irken Empire down upon you,” Zim growled, and Dib didn't bat an eye.

 “You’ve got about two minutes before the government comes a knockin’ on our door, and I'm not convinced.”

 There was a tense silence before Gaz muttered, “I’m going back upstairs.” She walked away, looking vaguely annoyed.

 “Dib, c’mon, w-won’t you miss me?” The irken tried, forcing a smirk onto his face. Dib didn't look fazed.   

 Zim, furious that Dib was being so stubborn, snarled and pushed the couch up with his Pak legs, practically flipping over the couch. The irken lifted himself and his lifeless robot from the floor and rose above Dib, glaring at him with pure hatred.

 “Augh! This is pathetic- Zim does not need the help of a useless, big-headed, _stupid_ human worm-baby! This was a bad idea- I should have known you would have been of no service. I will handle this myself! I am Zim!”

 Dib smirked and moved over slightly, leaving a wide path to the door. “Oh, ya? Go deal with it, then,” The human challenged. Zim looked between Dib and the door, courageous demeanour fading. After a considerable moment, his Pak legs hesitantly inched him towards the door before he stopped, antenna raised and eyes wide.

 “Wait! You have Tak’s ship!” Zim realized, and Dib tensed. The irken wasted no time and zoomed off further into Dib’s house- the human took chase.

 “No! That’s not- you can’t have it! Zim!” He yelled, but stopped running when he heard a voice.

 “That’s it- we’re coming in!” The megaphone man announced, followed by a loud banging on the door. Didn't they need a warrant to do that? Apparently not- the door shook violently as something smashed into it again.

 Panic overtook Dib- he was running out of choices. Either he let the government people tear down the door and attempt to take Zim before he got to the Voot Cruiser, or he stopped them and let Zim go. He didn't have time to think over his options carefully- whatever they were doing to the door was working, and it wouldn't hold out for long.

_Okay, think, Dib. You could let them take Zim before he escapes, like you've always wanted to do, but technically I'm not the one who caught him. I wouldn't be recognized as world’s best paranormal investigator. Plus I’d probably get in trouble for harbouring alien technology instead of giving it to the government in the first place. But if they took Zim, people would finally believe me, right?_ Dib shook his head, contemplating as more banging followed. He wondered vaguely if Zim found the Cruiser yet. _If I let Zim go, I’d really only be helping him, wouldn't I? But if I'm not the one who caught him, then I wouldn't get to oversee his experiments… I wouldn't have anything else to do if Zim was gone… I’d have to do…_ real _science,_ the boy thought with a shudder. _Without Zim…_ He stopped that train of thought. He didn't have time.

 He’d made up his mind.

 The door came crashing down, and people flooded into his home. Dib raised his arms. “Wait! T-the alien!” He yelled, and they surrounded him.

 “Where did he go, child?” One man asked swiftly.

 “He’s in the lab! Quickly, before he gets away!” Dib cried, and nearly fell over as the people rushed past him. He saw flashes of light he presumed to be cameras, and felt a sinking feeling in his gut as he saw some news reporters in the mix of the mob.

 Their chattering filled the whole house, and Dib stood, frozen. He knew the lab was the furthest part of the house, so it would take them a minute to get down there. Hopefully enough time for Zim to get the Voot running from where it was in the backyard shed. Heart going a mile a minute, he ran out the front door and circled around to the back. When he reached it, he flung open the shed door. He saw the lights in the Cruiser on, along with Zim sitting inside. Dib closed and locked the shed door, running to the second door and locking that one as well.

 “Zim!” He yelled at the alien, whose antenna twisted to face the boy from inside of the Voot Runner, but did not respond or look up.

 “You so owe me for this!” The boy said, trying to think of something better to say. He saw Zim chuckle, but the alien did not look at him- for some reason, this made Dib mad. He took a deep breath. “So, what, you’re just going to run away? Just like that- the mighty irken Zim, abandoning everything just because he got scared?”

 Zim didn't respond, just continued pressing buttons. The ship had rather advanced security system- one could thank Tak’s downloaded personality for that. It would probably take Zim some time to get it to work; time he didn't have. Dib didn't even know how to do it, really, since Gaz had helped him before. Plus, Tak hated the both of them.

 He wondered briefly how Zim managed to get Tak’s downloaded personality to work with him, but after years of working alongside someone as annoying and stubborn as Gir, he wasn't surprised to see Zim had found a way to get the ship to play along.

 The ship was whirring to life, and he wondered why Zim wasn't just going already. Granted, they’d probably been in the shed for less than a minute- it still felt like the ship was taking ages to work.

 Dib wanted to say so many things. He wanted to know what was going on. He wanted to ask Zim what was wrong with Gir, and why he wasn't wearing his costume, and why he couldn't use his own Voot Runner, and… and he just didn't have enough time. Clearly, Zim had made up his mind.

 “Are...” Dib swallowed a lump in his throat. It was deathly silent outside, aside from the whirring of the ship as it started up.

Dib could see Zim twist a knob inside of the ship, and his breath caught in his throat when it started to lift off the ground. He heard yelling in the distance. _Time’s up_ , he guessed. _It’s now or never._

 “Are you coming back?” The boy got out, and Zim finally looked at him. The irken still looked panicked, especially at the growing sounds of shouting, but there was something else in his eyes Dib could not place. Amidst the emotion Dib couldn't place was clear confusion.

 “Of course,” Zim said, sounding surprised by the question. His voice echoed through the ship’s microphone. “I haven’t conquered this planet yet- why wouldn't I return?”

And, with that, the ship shot up. It smashed into the ceiling of the shed, causing bits of it to fall around Dib. The boy didn't duck- instead, he watched as the ship continued to fly straight up, into the sky, and into space, itself.  He stared as it vanished from sight, leaving a smoky trail going nowhere but up.

He wished he could have stared for longer, but then the people came, somehow managing to unlock the shed doors without him noticing and demanding to know where the alien went. Dib almost sighed as he realized the explaining he would have to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will I ever acknowledge that Mini-Moose is a thing? Will I ever find true Love? (Ha, a pun and a joke). Will Dib and Zim ever truly hit it off? Will that one Danny Phantom fic I read a few days ago and hasn't been updated since 2010 ever post a new chapter? Will my laptop ever stop overheating and making a sickening whirring noise before going pitch black until I shut the screen and walk away in defeat? Will my husband ever return from the war? Will I ever get that Hamilton song out of my head? Will I ever shut up? Tune in Friday at 8 to find out.


	9. Talk of Doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alphabet: I for Irken Intel 
> 
> Description: Zim takes Gir for a walk which, naturally, turns into a disaster when they run into Gaz and Gir has no self-control.
> 
> Not REALLY a ship thing but heeey people ship Gaz and Zim right I don’t but some people do? They, and Gir, interact in this chapter. They say hi and Zim gets mad and that’s basically the whole show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi dudes. Haha, sorry for the wait… Exams are FINALLY over though, and I passed all my classes! Summer is here! If you don’t count my job or my cousin being over at our house and our grandma being over at our house and me being constantly busy and barely having any time to do this and other things I’ve been wanting to do, then I’M FINALLY FREE!!!! Life is complicated, and I’m not gonna go on about it here when none of y’all care, so here’s ur next chapter! I had NO CLUE what to do for it so here’s this hunk of crap to hold y’all over until I can write the next chapter. Sorry for any errors in this, I didn’t really edit it.   
>  As always, I accept requests! If y’all got any ideas for what I can do for O, Z, or N then knock urselves out! I’ve got ideas but I mean… manifesting them with points rather than a story… Eh, it’s up to y’all. Enjoy this chapter? Idk it’s ur life do what u want with it guys.

 Zim hummed contently to himself as he strolled down the sidewalk, pulling Gir down the concrete with him. After observing many different people walk past him with their dogs on leashes, he decided that, too keep up appearances, he would do the same with Gir.

 Who was thrilled.

 “And then the ballet dancer sayses, ‘Annihilation? I thoughts her name was Susan!’” Gir exclaimed, delivering the punchline to what Zim thought was the world’s worst joke.

 “Are you done?” Zim asked. Gir nodded, tongue sticking out of his little doggy suit adorably, and Zim ran his hand down his face. “Good, because that joke was terrible, and how many times do I have to tell you that dogs can’t tell jokes because dogs can’t talk? At all?”

 Gir put a paw to his chin, thinking. “Uuuuummmmmmm, seven?” He suggested.

 “Gir, stop talking. Let’s just walk in silence and observe our surroundings, shall we? We are in enemy territory, after all. We must be ALERT! AND STEALTHY!” Zim yelled proudly. Gir clapped.

 The two of them walked in silence for a little bit before Gir, as usual, ruined it.

 “OOOH, WOULDJA LOOK AT THAT!” He shouted, and Zim jumped nearly a foot into the air.

 “Gir! Shut up, you’re not supposed to talk!” Zim yelled back, but when he noticed the robot pointing at something, he turned around. Just a little ways ahead of them was Gaz, playing on a device Zim didn’t recognize. She was sitting at what Zim knew to be a bus stop, and Zim looked around, curious to see if Dib or her scientist father was around. The Professor was an interesting conversationalist, and Zim enjoyed learning about the Earth through the eyes of a human scientist (as appalling as it may seem). If Dib was there, he could… maybe throw a rock at his big head and then run away before he saw who it was or something. Gaz, though…

 Zim had never really talked to Gaz alone before. Maybe once or twice sure, but the only time that stood out to him was when he was _literally_ dying.

 Gaz hadn’t looked up from her electronic device, so Zim started to back away, intending on finding another way to walk so that he wouldn’t have to walk past her. She wasn’t exactly a friendly face, and it wasn’t anything like with Dib, how he could walk past him and insult him or say something vague and know that Dib would spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what he was up to, even if he wasn’t doing anything exceptionally evil that day.

 Gaz would either attack him or completely ignore him, maybe threaten him in a way he couldn’t even go ‘ _pssh ya right’_ too. No, Zim wasn’t _scared_ of her- he just didn’t want to deal with that.

 Having successfully backed up enough to turn up the street and out of eye sight, he turned, but when he was tugged backwards rather than forwards, he didn’t know why he was surprised. Honestly, he should have expected this.

 “GIRRRRRL DIIIIIIIB!” Gir cried, tugging Zim forward as he used his jets to propel himself towards Gaz. Zim let out a cry as he was flung forwards, and when Gir landed near the girl, Zim landed face first on the floor and skidded.

 Zim groaned as he pushed himself off the floor, fixing his wigs and rubbing his face. Gaz had paused her game, which Zim was surprised to notice, and was staring at Gir. The sir unit had already started to tell her the horrible joke he had told Zim, and the alien groaned at the thought of having to hear it again.

 “Gir! Come on, we’ve got important business to tend to!” He told his robot, who laughed.

 “He says that, but we was just takin’ a stroll a few seconds ago!” Gir giggled, nudging Gaz like she was a close friend. Gaz growled deep in her throat but said nothing.

 “And after the… _stroll…_ we have a thing to do, so come on.” Zim said, trying to tug at Gir’s leash. Gir whined.

 “When’s your bus come?” Gir asked Gaz, ignoring Zim.

 “Six minutes,” Gaz said with a shrug.

 “Then we’ll keep you company! I’M GIR!” Gir yelled, waving his arms ecstatically, and Zim sighed before taking a seat himself.

 “Ya, I know who you are, Gir,” Gaz said, unpausing her game and vigorously pressing buttons.

 “WHATCHA PLAYIN’?” Gir asked, pointing at her game, and Gaz curtly provided the title and explained the premise of the game. Zim wasn’t listening- all he caught was that it was about pigs or something. He was more focused on the fact that Gir was so stupidly happy to be talking to the enemy, instead crossing his arms in an obvious show of annoyance.

 Gir continued to ask questions, and Gaz continued to answer them, sounding only slightly bothered at the intrusion of privacy. When a moment of silence fell over them, Gaz finally addressed him.

 “Still planning on trying to take over the Earth, Zim?” She asked, as though it was a conversation topic one could casually throw around. Zim honestly didn’t expect to be addressed at all, and he took a moment to respond.

 “Of course. Why wouldn’t I? The Earth is a disgusting mess of disgusting creatures that deserves to pay for even existing! I will deliver the punishment and be praised!” Zim straightened his posture as he spoke, pride filling his voice.

 “You think things should pay for existing alone?”

 Zim blinked, narrowing his eyes. “The Earth is serving no purpose the way it is being used now- I see no issue destroying or enslaving all life on it to reuse it so that it benefits THE MIGHTY IRKEN ARMADA!” He yelled with pride before his eyes went wide, “Which I am not a part of because I AM HUMAN! HUMAN I SAY!”

 Gaz slammed buttons on her device (GameSlave, she told Gir it was called). “And you do it for praise?”

 “Well- approval, sure. From my Tallest, of course. Praise would be a bonus. Plus, it’s fun, y’know?”

 “Why do you care about your Tallest's approval so much?”

 “I- wait. WAIT! YOU THOUGHT I WOULD REVEAL IRKEN SECRETS TO A HUMAN?! YOU’RE WRONG! I WILL NEVER BETRAY MY TALLEST, NEVER!” Zim screamed, pointing an accusing finger at the girl, who was now looking up from her game. She wasn’t looking at Zim, though.

 “My bus is here,” She said, standing up and pulling out a slip of paper.

 The bus pulled up and, when nobody got out, Gaz hopped on. She looked dropped her ticket into a box.

 “Bye, weirdos,” she said before the bus doors closed. Gir waved goodbye, but Zim stood there, fuming.

 The bus started to drive away, and Zim let out a roar of agitation.

 “THAT VILE HUMAN!” He spat, “SHE THOUGHT SHE COULD COLLECT IRKEN INTEL WITHOUT MY KNOWING? HOW DARE SHE? Thankfully, I was too smart for her, and caught on before she found out anything of utmost importance.”

 Gir looked up at him. “No you didn’t,” He squealed.

 “Yes, I did, Gir. Now come on, let’s get this dumb walk over with before anybody else shows up. AND STOP TALKING! DOGS ARE PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF SPEECH!”

 Gir let out a laugh before saluting him. He hopped off the bench, and they resumed their walk, this time with Gir humming a happy, doomy toon to himself. Of course, Zim started to yell at him for that, too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are like money, I need it desperately but if I don't get it then I'm fine with starving at this point whatever right lol. So ya I accept requests and have a nice day! Thanks to the person who requested the walk thing on FF.N u rock bruh 
> 
> Spot the reference time lol


	10. Blurred Lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alphabet: J for Juxtaposition 
> 
> Description: Dib has no friends. Dib is hated by his own kind. Dib wants people to respect him, for once. Dib acts pretty weird. Dib does a lot of things, and is a lot of things, that most other people aren’t… But isn’t Zim the same? 
> 
> NO PAIRINGS this is all Dib baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHA I ALMOST UPLOADED THIS CHAPTER BEFORE THE LETTER I, WOWZA I DON’T KNOW THE ALPHABET.  
> Hey dudes! Nothing now to report. Dib and Zim have a really complicated relationship don’t they. Here’s your next chapter! Enjoy? I actually had no clue where to even start for this but here ya go.  
> To whoever requested the Jello or Jump thing- I’ve already written the Jello into another chapter, Jump I haven’t gotten around to but I’ll still see what I can do with that. As for other requests that don’t relate to J; I’m doing my darndest to work ‘em in and having fun doing it! I like requests, they’re like bonus points that help make chapters longer, which I’m sure everybody wants.  
> Also gosh golly gee have I ever noticed that I am prone to grammatical errors so I would like to formally apologize for any you may find. Another thing- I just realized that they go to a public school (skool, lol), so… Ha.  
>  As always, I accept requests! If y’all got any ideas for what I can do for O, Z, or N then knock urselves out! I’ve got ideas but I mean… manifesting them with points rather than a story… Eh, it’s up to y’all. Enjoy this chapter? Idk it’s ur life do what u want with it guys.

 “Freak!”

 Dib rubbed his large forehead as it was assaulted with spitballs from his ever so generous skoolmates, glaring as the group of them laughed as though they had heard the funniest joke in the universe.

 “Look at him, all alone! Where’s your baby sissy, Dib? Y’know, your only friend?” One of the children taunted, shoving their finger in the direction of Gaz’s normal spot.

 It was true- most recesses it was just the two of them; Gaz wasn’t always willing to hang out with him, though, leaving him siting on the stairs alone to do who knows what instead of listening to him ramble on about the supernatural. Today was one of those days, and instead of sitting peacefully alone to do his homework, he was stuck listening to the four kids around him snort and guffaw at his expense. 

 “Nah, that’s not his _only_ friend,” Another kid chided, “He’s got that green kid, remember?”

  Dib put down his notebook and stood up, hands clenched into fists at his sides. “Zim is not my friend!” He defended.

 “Oh, so it’s just the one, then?” The kid said, and then burst out laughing again. The other children followed suit.

 “Hey, Dork Brain! Whatcha got there?” One child snatched his book off of the floor, and Dib dived to get it back, only to be pulled off of the stairs and into the wall by two of the kids. The kid opened his notebook to a page filled with notes and took out the papers, handing them over to the last kid, who started to read them with a false interest while the other looked through his notebook.

 “Has the nerd been doing his homework… during _recess?”_ The kid with his papers (Dib decided to call him Dumb #1, since he didn’t know their names) announced, mouth wide open in feigned shock. “That’s just _sad!”_ They laughed some more, and Dib wiggled to get away from the kids holding him (The one on his left he deemed Lefty and the one on his right Righty. It fit.) The kid with his notebook (Dumb #2) hollered, nudging Dumb #1 to show him something in the book.

 “Dude, check this out- there’s a whole bunch of little drawings of aliens in here!” Dumb #2 explained, and Dumb #1 looked them over, a smirk on his face.

 “Awww… These are cute!” Dumb #1 said, clasping his hands together with his homework and bringing it up to his cheek lovingly. “Let me guess- this is your family!”

 More laughing, and Dib’s cheeks started to glow a bright red. From anger or embarrassment, one couldn’t tell from looking.

 “See, this alien is his weird, famous scientist dad,” he laughed, pointing at a poorly drawn cat-like alien with an unnatural number of legs.

 “This one is your creepy sister,” he pointed at a rather bad drawing of Tak.

 “And this one is you!” the finger was pointed towards a cartoony drawing of Zim without his disguise, lying on the floor and holding a flower to his chest, dead.

 “Give me back my book!” Dib yelled, kicking his feet out.

 “Aww, or what? You’ll ‘beam me up’ to your spaceship, you little freak?” Dumb #1 growled, using air quotations and followed by laugh track #67. Dib bit back a retort that would have pointed out that that is _not_ how it works.

 “Okay, first off, I’m not an alien! Zim is! And secondly, you’re all jerks!” Dib snapped.

 The group then pretended to start crying like he had hurt their feelings, and Dib found himself wishing that he _was_ an alien so that he could blow them all to kingdom come.

 “So you like aliens, do ya, kid?” Lefty asked.

 “NO! I hate them,” Dib snarled.

 “Then why do they take up… more than half of this notebook?” Dumb #2 asked, leaning the book towards Dib as he flipped through the pages rapidly, almost all revealing notes on extra-terrestrial life forms. The rest were Big Feets.

 “Because…” Dib stopped himself from saying ‘I’m trying to figure out how to stop them from taking over the Earth.’ It probably wouldn’t go over all that well, but really, nothing he said would. So he bit his tongue, instead choosing to glare at the children venomously.

 These kids were his skoolmates, but they weren’t in any of his classes- of course, they didn’t need to be, since the whole of the school knew about his ‘slightly psychotic’ fascination with aliens, and how he was always calling Zim an alien. Due to Zim’s sappy ‘skin condition’ story, most kids thought Dib was a bully for his constant name-calling, and he’d been given the ‘crazy’ rep for the whole school to see.

 Though, once kids realized that Zim, too, was ‘crazy’, some of the heat was removed from Dib’s back.

 “Well?” Righty pushed, but Dib held his tongue. Then something seemed to occur to Righty. “Wait, did you just call the green kid an alien?”

 Before Dib could break his silence, Lefty spoke up. “That’s right, he did! You _actually_ think Zim is alien… and _you’re_ not?” He guffawed.

 “Well, they’re both pretty weird,” Righty admitted with a chuckle. “They both act like freaks, they both have no friends, and they hate each other- oh! They’re probably aliens together, I betcha!”

 “Yaaa, the two of them do seem all little off their bonkers… But wait, this freak said he hated aliens, and he hates Zim, and he thinks Zim’s an alien… If you ask me, you too have a lot more in common than you think, _freak,”_ Dumb #2 sneered. “You’re both the dorkiest, craziest, freakiest freaks ever!”

 Their laughter was cut short by the bell, and they released their hold on Dib. They dropped his notebook and papers on the floor ungraciously before stomping on them and walking away collectively, shouting out “see ya later, freak!” as they went. Kids started too pool back inside the building, and Dib picked his stuff off the floor moodily before heading to the back of the cluster to make it inside.

 Dib spotted Zim in the mess of children making their way inside. The alien looked a mix of bored and vaguely annoyed, which was his usual expression. Dib narrowed his eyes at him, an expression that went unnoticed by Zim. He was nothing like Zim.

 Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (wrong)


	11. Zim at the Zoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alphabet: K for Kibble 
> 
> Description: Zim and Dib go on a class field-trip to the zoo. Zim is disgusted and bored. He likes the giraffes, though. 
> 
> No pairings but… yaaa, kinda ZaDr; again I, a personal fool, ship it. Therefore it will be present in most of these fics, so I mean, they could just be bros or mutual enemies it depends on ur outlook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Pokemon Go™ is out now. I’m gonna get so fit! Jk do u know how much data is FORGET ABOUT IT. I’m still hyped tho. My ideal pokemon team consists of a Vaporeon, a Tyranitar, Talonflame, Vileplume, Galvantula, and Flygon. Feel free to tell me yours!  
> So I got a few requests relating to animals and zoos and the like so here ya go! As always I accept requests!  
> Also u guys been watching Steven Universe because Mr. Greg KILLED ME IT’S NOT OVER PEARL NEVER-  
> And the reason they have a different teacher in this is to show that they’re in a different grade now. Dib and Zim are still in the same class, and I like to think Dib gets his father to put him in the same class as Zim on purpose. An ‘I need to be able to keep an eye on him so he doesn’t destroy humanity’ excuse from Dib and an ‘I’m so glad Dib finally has a friend’ excuse from Professor Membrane.  
> Also, ha, again, spot the reference! I know I didn’t tell u what it was last time, so it was Wander over Yonder (RIP that beautiful work of art, amirite). This time it’s Night Vale. Anyways, enjoy!

 As soon as Zim stepped off of the bus, he knew he was going to hate today.

 The classes, three in total, were escorted into the Zoo- the location of their field trip- and were quickly debriefed on their plans for the day.

 The children were to be put into groups of ten or so children, each group with at least one adult supervisor, and were free to move about the zoo as a group as long as they visited key points and met up at 12 with the other groups for lunch.

 Zim’s groups consisting of: Tom, Ryan, Susan, Harry, The Letter M, Tracy, Zim (obviously), Ice Pack, Magenta, their parent volunteer supervisor Mr. Hat, and…

  _Dib._

 Zim let out a violent screech when he heard the news.

 “How DARE you put ME, THE ALMIGHTY ZIM, anywhere even remotely NEAR that… _filthy…_ Dib-Monster! I demand you transfer him to another child cluster immediately!” Zim yelled, and his teacher, Mr. Tired, sighed.

 “Zim, we’ve been over this, you don’t get a say in who you get put in a group with! I know Dib is a bit, well, _insane,”_ The teacher chuckled, and in the distance Dib’s cries of denial could faintly be heard, “but this is a _field trip,_ not a work assignment! You’ll have fun, just you watch.”

 His teacher winked, and Zim blinked in confusion at the gesture before anger bubbled up inside of his squeedily spooch once again. He let out a scream of frustration and disgust at the thought of being near Dib, nevertheless being with Dib on a field trip to a place Zim didn’t give a hoot and a half about, but before he could say anything more the groups started to separate and the teacher walked away with his own group.

 Zim clenched his three-fingered fists and grumbled to himself before being pulled into the Zoo by his group. Their first stop was the Reptile/Nocturnal Zone, and despite how much he didn’t want to go into the tall building, the parental supervisor who was attending to their group (somewhere along the line, the group had been dubbed ‘Team Best Team,’ a name that was chosen without the consent of either Zim or Dib) was literally pushing him and the other students into the zone.

The first animal of the Zoo to meet Zim’s eyes were the komodo dragons. The tank was huge, stretching all along the wall, and the parent went on a lecture on how they were the descendants of real dragons in a today society or something, Zim wasn’t really listening. Annoyingly, he thought they looked interesting, if not a little boring. He liked their scales and long tails. Honestly, they were boring to look at, but in comparison to the hamster that was once Zim’s class pet, he preferred the former.

 They then went into a room that was deathly dark, and were given glow-sticks to see the bats that hung in the glass cages. Many students screamed, some running out of the room, and Zim let out an amused laugh at their fear, deeming the bats okay for an Earth creature.

 In the same building, they saw anteaters, piranhas, more lizards Zim grew too bored to pay attention too, possums, armadillos, snakes, etc.

 Zim didn’t care. Sure, this was better than boring school work, and Zim was glad to be learning more about the creatures on the Earth to figure out ways to destroy it, but he also could simply plug his Pak into his Computer back at his base and download whatever info on native Earth animals he needed. He didn’t think he needed this information, though- these animals were all too boring to even consider a potential weapon in destroying Earth. Heck, the hamster was a better choice than these disgusting creatures, and look what happened with that!

 When they got out of the building, they saw lions, tigers, elephants, rhinos, and more useless creatures that would all probably be used for nothing more than carpets or fuel when the Irken Armada came.

 The moose Zim saw were so horrifying to look at Zim promised them, and himself, that he would be the one to wipe them all off the face of this planet, personally.

 The otters looked far too happy on their little water slides for Zim’s tastes.

 The monkeys amused him because they reminded him of his base and all the weird monkey tv shows Gir watched, as well as the statues and pictures scattered randomly around the base. They weren’t revised with a positive feeling, but it was the best he was going to get on this stupid trip.

 Or, so he thought, because the next animal he saw almost made him drool.

 “O-Oh, my…” Zim said aloud, walking up to the fencing and leaning over it to get as close to the animals as he could.

 “Let me guess- you like them ‘cause they’re tall,” Dib mocked, leaning on the railing near Zim yet not facing the _glorious_ beasts like Zim was. For once, though, Zim did not retaliate- the sight was far too awe-inspiring to even think about responding to the jab. 

 “They’re… so… _Tall…”_ Zim murmured, his eyes wide.

 “The groups leaving,” Dib informed him. “You gonna stay here and watch the giraffes all day, or…”

 “Giraffes… They must be so… smart…” Zim said, and Dib looked at him like he’d gone nuts.

 “So? Adult humans are tall, too, but they’re pretty much all idiots.”

 Zim look at Dib for the first time in the whole interaction. “True. But… The giraffes… They’re taller than any Tallest in the history of the whole of the Irken Empire! These creatures… must have the biggest brains to match their tallest bodies, right? There’s no way they’re as _stupid_ as the vile adult _humans_ are, right?”

 For a moment, Dib considered lying to Zim and telling him that the giraffes were Gods of knowledge or something, but he was feeling really creeped out at how Zim’s dedication to his love of height was as strong as a religion. The idea of a planet being run by people who only ruled because they were tall was nuts to him, but to Zim it was obviously gospel. If he told Zim giraffes were geniuses or something, Zim would probably start worshipping them and break them out of the Zoo or whatever. By the time he’d have realized they were as dumb as any other animal in the Zoo, he’d probably have gotten people trampled to death and gotten the animals themselves killed, then would probably get mad at Dib.

 In those few seconds in which Zim was waiting for an answer, a genuine answer, Dib played out twelve different scenarios where lying to him would lead to a benefit for Dib without a benefit for Zim to cancel it out, and sighed when he came up empty.

 “They’re dumb as posts, Zim. Dumber than humans. But hey, if you want to elect them as the entirety of the Irken Government ‘cause they’re tall, knock yourself out.”

 “YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH HOLE! If the giraffes are stupid, it’s because they’re on this stupid planet, where everybody is stupid!” Zim yelled.

 “You’re here,” Dib mused.

 “I’m an invader, what’s your excuse,” Zim growled.

 “THERE YOU TWO ARE!” The supervisor screamed from afar, running up to them and shooing them away from the fence. “I’ve been looking all over for you! Follow the group, or you’ll get lost!” The parent shoved them into the crowd of children on ‘Team Best Team’.

 Zim shot Dib a furious glance, which Dib returned with a winning smirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I work at a Zoo and the glow-stick thing is one of the main reasons the Nocturnal House was removed from it- because people kept tripping in the dark and hurting themselves, and the glow-sticks kept agitating the bats.  
> Dib doesn’t say much in this chapter but I like to think he was just watching Zim the whole time and writing notes and referring to Zim as some weird scientific name or something the whole time. ‘The Zimicus Irkenus seems intrigued by the scales found on the reptilian creatures, which can lead to the conclusion that the subject identifies more with the ‘lizards’ or the ‘insects’, for that matter, than us humans themselves.’ Or some other dumb notes he writes to sound smart as opposed to actually enjoying the field trip.


	12. Love the Loss of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! Something different this time- some drabbles! They’re all separated by two consecutive lines, and they’re all centred around:
> 
> Alphabet: L for Love 
> 
> SHIPS INCLUDE ZADR YOOOOOOOOO but I mean seriously that’s like every chapter for me no matter how subtle. This one ain’t subtle at all. 
> 
>  
> 
> Drabble one (called ‘Picture Perfect’) Description: Zim has a really big ego. 
> 
> Drabble two (called ‘Kiss for a Fool’) Description: Dib doesn’t approve of public displays of affection. Neither does Zim, but then again, he doesn’t really know what they mean. 
> 
> Drabble three (called ‘Dead Hearts’) Description: Gaz and Dib, both much older, visit their mother’s grave. Request! 
> 
> Drabble four (called ‘Hug of Doom’) Description: Really short. Gir just loves hugs. So does Mini-Moose, it seems. Zim? Not so much, but he’ll deal. 
> 
> Drabble five (called ‘Jello my Darling’) Description: Really short. Zim can’t eat human food. He’s allergic to just about everything. Some foods look to gross to even wonder if he could digest it. Request!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they are all short with their own lil’ plot thingy. Idk this is different from what I usually do so feedback is appreciated. Enjoy, and I accept requests. If anybody has any ideas for the letters O (‘Ordinary’ I’m thinking- What kind of weird things do Dib and Zim do opposed to other kids in skool?), M (‘Membrane’, I think, but plot what plot), or Q, it would be really helpful. 
> 
> Sorry this intro is so long but I have something important to add: The very last chapter for this will be an index of sorts, with all the chapters and their descriptions (and letters) out for you to pick and choose the order y’all want to read them in. That way you can see all the descriptions at once, if you’re look for specific content. It will also include all of the suggestions I have received, along with the names of the people who sent them, and where I used them. I want to credit all the people who helped and will help make this happen! If there are any that I didn’t use, I’ll still put them up in case anybody else wants to use them. If anybody DOES NOT want their name featured, please message me or leave a review. 
> 
> Enjoy!

 

** Picture Perfect **

 

 Dib narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Zim was staring at something in his hands, but from where Dib was seated in his assigned chair, he couldn’t for the life of him see what it was.

 The irken had his head resting in one hand, elbow propped up on his desk, and the other was holding an item that must have been small for it to fit in his hand and not stick out. He was staring at the hidden item almost dreamily.

 The class went on, and Zim continued to stare at his hand like he was being hypnotized. He looked lustful, like he was staring at something desirable or beautiful. Dib wanted to know what the _hell_ Zim was holding that made him look like that. Was it a weapon? Was it _dangerous?_

  _Okay, so I_ might _be a little paranoid from time to time. Sue me! There has to be something in his hand, though, and I want to know what,_ Dib told himself, his mind running a mile a minute.

 When the teacher called on Zim, the irken was jolted out of his thoughts. He clasped his hands together and answered the question expertly, despite not having had paid attention. The teacher accepted his answer and moved on, and after a moment, Zim opened his hands back up. The shift allowed Dib a glimpse at the item- it was small and egg-shaped, but looked split in two. It was connected to a chain running around Zim’s palm. It was gone before Dib could see more, as Zim faced it away from him and started to look at it once more

\-  -   -   -   -

 Zim let out an affectionate sigh, staring at the locket in his hand with pride. It was just so amazing, how could Zim _not_ stare?

 The small golden case stood out vibrantly among the black of Zim’s glove, and the silver chain matched the tone of both evenly. That, however, was not what was catching Zim’s attention- no, it was what was inside of the small locket that made him so infatuated.

 Inside the golden casing was a photo. It was small, and both it and the case were taken and given to him at a festival Gir had gone too, dragging Zim along with him. It had been a good chance for Zim to observe humans outdoors and outside of their natural habitats, but when Gir showed Zim a booth containing miniature and stylized photo frames and lockets, Zim became intrigued. The people at the booth took a photo of Zim and put it inside of the locket he was holding now- Zim walked away with it without paying or caring in the slightest.

 Now, Zim stared lovingly at the photo of himself, admiring his features and physical attributes.

  _Wow, I love me,_ Zim thought to himself, not noticing Dib’s confused and anxious glares from across the class.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

  **Kiss for a Fool**

 Dib pulled the best, most professional looking face of disgust he could possibly make as he watched the two students embrace each other in a passionate kiss. They couldn’t have been more than a grade ahead of Dib, and yet they were kissing like they were in high skool. It was just… _gross._

The couple was leaning against the playground romantically, both seeming to enjoy themselves as they let out little giggles whenever they surfaced for breaths. Dib scrunched up his nose further and looked away, eyes drifting to the metal of the stairs he was sitting on. Of course, his recess would be spent trying to keep down the lunch he had yet to eat.

 Maybe when he was older, sure. Maybe. But in _elementary?_ What was the point of that? It wasn’t like things would last- What they were feeling might very well be more curiosity then actual romantic drive. He’d never seen the two talking, only kissing- they might not have even been friends. There was no chance they’d ever love each other.

 No, Dib had far more important things to worry about. Y’know, saving the world stuff.

_Speaking of which,_ Dib thought to himself as he turned to look at his alien companion. He was surprised, and slightly pleased, to see the irken mirroring his exact expression of disgust at the couple.

 “Human, what are they doing?” Zim asked a boy who was standing relatively near the alien, pointing accusingly at the horrifyingly young couple.

 “What?” The boy asked, looking surprised to see the green-skinned boy talking to him. Zim forcefully twisted the boy to face the couple and gestured again, more violently this time.

 The kid laughed. “You’re weird,” The boy observed. “They’re kissing. What, you don’t know what that is? Maybe you really are an alien,” he said, distancing himself from Zim and laughing some more.

 Zim stared blankly for a moment before looking back at the couple, eyes narrowed. Then he made eye contact with Dib, and he looked furious for a moment before turning quickly and walking away.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

**  Dead Hearts **

Gaz felt weird without her GameSlave on her; she normally didn’t leave home without it, even for skool. But today was different. Today was an occasion, and every occasion had a tradition.

 Hers was at the graveyard.

 Of course, her useless brother was with her too- their father had visited earlier, wishing to be alone, and now it was their turn.

 And so Gaz sat down on the grass surrounding the tombstone, her brother following suit. She placed her flowers down, and once again, Dib did the same. She would have felt annoyed if not for the fact that this was routine for them. They’d done this so many times together –it had almost been eleven years of the same thing, and it never got any easier.

 “Hi, mom,” Dib started for the both of them, his eyes scanning over the epitaph. ‘ _Love is a chemical, but that doesn’t make it any less real,_ ’ it read; it was her favourite quote.

 Their mother was a scientist like their father- it was how they met. Gaz didn’t really remember her, since she died when Gaz was two and Dib was nearly four. She remembered her hair being a silky brunette, and had a distinct memory (or maybe just a thought) of her wearing it pulled back in a pig-tail.  

 “Happy birthday,” Dib said lamely to the grave, but despite it being routine, she could hear the emotion behind his words. It was hard, with their father hardly ever home and the dad-bots being the ones to ask if they had a good day at skool. That was a parents’ job. Dad did it, sure, but mom should have gotten to do it too.

 “We miss you, y’know… Dad misses you a lot. He put a call on hold today, and didn’t pick it up. They might still be on hold, actually,” he said, letting out a humourless chuckle.

Dib knew mom more than Gaz did, being the older sibling. It was probably why he did most of the talking at these things.

 And so the two of them sat there, Dib telling the stone pillar of new things, like how he was moving out in a week, being 18 and all. Zim was moving in with him, officially. The two of them gave up their rivalry long ago, and it was a long story. So, to summarize, they became friends and, after a long time, more- still, nobody believed him about Zim being an alien.

 Dib didn’t mind that much, anymore.

 Gaz elbowed him, indicating how she didn’t want him to go on for hours about how fascinating Zim was or whatever. Dib nodded, catching the hint, and metaphorically passed the microphone over to Gaz.

 “Skool’s boring,” she said honestly. “My grades are good, so it’s not like it matters if I like it or not.”

 It was relatively nice out, despite the breeze. The sun shone brightly onto her pale skin, and it annoyed her. Not just because she didn’t like being outdoors and the sun was a brutal reminder that she was, in fact, outdoors. No, because it was always sunny when she visited the graveyard. It didn’t reflect her mood, and she didn’t welcome it. It almost made it hard to be sad.

 They had started the tradition of visiting the graveyard together and without their father when she was about six- she was seventeen, now, and in college. Dib had already graduated.

 “I… We love you, mom. And miss you. It’d be nice if you were here… And I’m sorry you’re not.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

**  Hug of Doom **

“I _love_ you, burrito!” Gir cried, shoving the messy food into his chest and he trapped it in a hug.

 From above him, Mini-Moose let out a satisfied and approving “Nyeh!”

 Gir shoved the burrito in his mouth and got up, staring up at Mini-Moose. “I love you too!” He said, and reached up to pull the moose into a hug.

 “Nyeh!” Mini-Moose protested as he was shoved into Gir’s greasy, burrito-stained chest. After a moment, though, he sunk into the hug.

 They stood there, enjoyably hugging each other for a few minutes, both happy with their current situation. 

 That is, until Zim walked into the room, staring at his robots. “Um…” He started, trying to not yell at the disgusting show of affection being presented to him. “Gir, let Mini-Moose go and come assist me in the lab.”

 He started to walk away when he was suddenly tackled to the floor. He let out a squeal of totally-not-fear and was about to extend his Pak legs and shake off his assailant, but stopped when he realized that it was just Gir and Mini-Moose on his back. He sighed. “Get off of me, Gir,” He ordered.

 “I LOVE YOU!” Gir yelled.

 “NYEH!” Mini-Moose added, resting atop of his head.

 Zim didn’t comment.

 

* * *

* * *

 

****

** Jello my Darling  **

 Zim poked the jello with his claw-like finger, watching in disgusted fascination as it quivered and shook at the contact. He stuck out his long, scratchy tongue in disdain, pushing the plate far away from him.

 “What, you don’t like jello _either?”_ Dib asked. Zim folded his antenna back against his head, and Dib watched them press back against Zim’s head like a cat’s ears with an odd sort of fondness. “Come on, Zim, there’s got to be _some_ sort of human food you can eat. What’s in it that you can’t have?” Dib teased, and Zim growled, pulling the plate back towards himself roughly. The jello shook as it was moved, and it made Zim want to barf just looking at it dance around the plate like it… like it _owned_ it or something.

 “I can’t digest your _mush_ ,” Zim said, pulling an alien substance out of his Pak, “I can eat this stuff, or some other _irken_ snacks from _Irk._ Full meals, no. Earth food, no. This,” He gestured towards the jello angerly, “no.”

 “So you can’t eat too much irken food at a time?” Dib asked.

 “Depends on the irken substance. We can eat foods that have big portions but dissolve quickly, so they last longer without interfering with the nutrition we already have. That counts for our meals.”

 “But you don’t eat regularly? Not even irken food?”

 “My Pak delivers me all the sustenance I need, are we done now?” Zim asked, annoyed with all the questions.

 “… There’s not one Earth food you can eat?”

 “Not that I’ve discovered, no.”

 “Why not?”

 “I’m not a doctor, Dib-Stink! I don’t know, it doesn’t work, though! All irken snacks are made of substances you can’t even find on Earth, so _clearly_ anything that is produced from this useless hunk of rock would be poisonous to me!” The irken snapped, shoving the plate away again. Dib frowned and shovelled some more jello into his mouth.

 “Plus, it looks _revolting_ ,” Zim said, shaking as he said the word, as though it shook him too his core.

 “You won’t know until you try it. I quite like it,” Dib said, shaking his plate of jello that was almost empty. “Y’know, I think you just don’t have the _stomach_ for it.”

 “It looks like shiny plastic,” Zim growled, ignoring the horrid pun.

 “It tastes like fruits and berries.”

 “I can’t eat those either.”

 “Shame. More for me, though.”

 Zim looked dismayed as Dib shovelled a huge spoonful of Jello into his mouth. “I’m gonna barf,” Zim told him.

 “I thought you didn’t have a stomach,” Dib wondered out loud, swallowing. “Or intestines.”

  “I’m still going to barf. I have a squeedilyspooch. Perfect for projectile vomit.”

 “Lovely.”

 Zim refused to make any more eye contact with Dib until he had finished eating. When Dib grabbed Zim’s uneaten plate of jello and started shovelling that into his mouth, Zim straight up left him.

 Dib wasn’t even hungry for any more jello. He just loved to get a rise out of his alien.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we all agree that ‘Jello my Darling’ is the best joke I have ever made because I laughed for 8 days when I thought of it.


	13. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids(' Self Esteem)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alphabet: M for Membrane  
> Description: When Professor Membrane gets snowed in with his children, fun bonding ensues before suddenly, it’s not so fun anymore.  
> NO PAIRINGS but there’s a scene where u don’t get to know what happened so y’all decide what u wanna make of that urself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry this chapter is kinda boring, and late. I’d say the next will be better, but that brings me to my next point:  
> Anybody got any ideas for the letter Q or X? Like maybe I have something for both, maybe, but if you’ve got something better… I was thinking, at least for X, something about Christmas? Maybe? Review or PM me if u have an idea you’d like to see me write about!  
> I’ve written two chapters out of order since the last chapter I posted, and I’m excited to post them (O and P bruh. No it isn’t a two parter- whomever I said that it would be too, I LIED. I’m sorry lol).  
> Again, for all the requests I get, used or not, I will be putting them up in the v last chapter, which will be AFTER Z and will be just a chapter index, with all credits, so if I use your idea but don’t credit you I WILL I’M JUST GONNA DO IT ALL I ONCE I PROMISE if u don’t want your name out there and you left a request message me and I will say it was an anon or something.  
> I finally got a drawing tablet but my laptop is dying. It's like fate it's telling me NO DON’T DRAW!!! So that sucks. It also means I’m writing this on a different program with different auto correct and a different keyboard, since I have to write this shit in school. IN A DOC. Boo.  
> Anyways, life sucks and hates me and that's just the way the news goes. I’m gonna watch some Star Trek and draw some Voltron and try to block out all negative emotions for a while, so ENJOY!!

The snow was relentless. It was freezing out; nobody dared step out of the safety of their homes or drive in this weather. The white flakes piled on top of each other until it was the height of a small child, forcing skool to be closed and leaving Dib Membrane, his sister Gaz, and his father snowed in.

At first, Dib was ecstatic to not have to go to skool, ready to marathon  _ Mysterious Mysteries _ all day. He knew that the weather would (most likely) prevent Zim from trying to take over the world or anything, so he didn’t have anything he needed to worry about and was free to relax all day for the first time in a long while.

Gaz, too, was pleased with the turn of events. As much as she ignored the rules, she wasn’t allowed to use her Game Slave at skool save for recess, meaning she was forced to actually do work. She normally half-assed it, but she managed to get passing grades. Still, she was glad to be free of it, and planned on playing on her Game Slave in her room all day.

The only thing stopping them was their father. He, too, was stuck in the house with them. He normally slept at his work, rarely ever coming home and speaking to his children through video chats and pre-programed dad-bots. He was home sometimes, of course, but not nearly often enough.

However, he did come home last night.

Dib had created something in his lab in the basement that he planned on using to protect himself from anything that could enter Dib’s system from the outside (the incident with the bologna scarred him). The formula was incredibly complicated, and Dib couldn’t get it completely right without any assistance or outside opinions.

So, through webcams and live-streaming, he asked his father for help. He showed him his work and made sure to leave out any vocabulary that included ‘aliens,’ ‘protect humanity,’ ‘bigfoot,’ or ‘end of the world.’ Things like that seemed to make his father turn the other cheek and say, “My poor, insane son.”

So, choosing his words carefully, Dib asked for help. And his father was impressed.

“Well, son, this is an interesting concept. And you’ve even used scientific formulas to make it a reality!” He praised. “And here I was, worried you were going to spend the rest of your life chasing fake things like  _ ghosts  _ and  _ aliens! _ ”

Dib bit his tongue. “So you’ll help?” He asked, choosing to ignore the jab, and his father laughed in the frame.

“Of  _ course  _ I’ll help! Son, I am so proud that you want to work on  _ real  _ science for a change. Of course I’ll be there to support you!”

 Dib let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Thanks, Dad. And, um, the other stuff I do is  _ real _ science too, but ya, thanks for helping me out.”

His father signed off with the promise of being there in the morning, and Dib let out an excited squeal. His father was coming back into town, just to work with him! Granted, he had said that he would need to leave the next day, but they could spend the whole of tomorrow working!

 

When his father arrived at 2 in the afternoon, Dib was thrilled. He was worried that he wasn’t going to show up, but his father had simply told him that it had started snowing, causing some road blocks. By road blocks, he meant he couldn’t arrive via the helicopter he was in if it was snowing, meaning he had to drive the rest of the way.

Either way, Dib was happy to see him, and they got to work immediately. Gaz wasn’t too pleased she wasn’t going to be able to spend any time with her father, too, but there wasn’t much she could do about it.

Her substitute to spending time with him herself was playing on her video game in the lab with them. She didn’t get in the way of anything, so they didn’t really mind.

They worked the whole time, as they had planned. In the end, they managed to create the serum they wanted. It protected the body from genetic alterations, preventing outside substances from entering the body. Unfortunately, this would include medication, and in some cases nutrition itself, they realized a bit too late. Basically, it made the substance useless, but at least they could say that (if medication and nourishment weren’t necessary) they created something useful.

It was very late by the time they did finish, and Dib was exhausted. Gaz had fallen asleep on the beanie she brought into the lab. Professor Membrane realized this, and decided to pack up.  

He would leave in the morning. He told Dib that he would take a copy of the formula to work, and if he had any spare time (he stressed the ‘if’) he would work on it some more.

“Maybe, with some more changes to the formula, it can be used to prevent things like disease, rather than poisonous substances and medication!” He told his son, voice hushed slightly as he carried his daughter to her room yet still holding a considerable amount of volume.

“That would be great! I’ll see what I can do, too,” Dib insisted, and his father nodded. When they reached Gaz’s room, Dib stopped his father from entering.

“She’s got security drones. I wouldn’t go in there,” he warned, and Professor Membrane laughed.

“Ha! Not to worry son, If they sense her with me then they’ll think she’s bringing a guest in, and they won't attack,” he explained, and walked in without an issue. Dib wondered how he knew that, watching as he tucked Gaz into bed, brushing pizza crumbs off the blanket. He watched her fondly for a moment before exiting, closing the door and walking Dib to his door. They said goodnight, and Dib went to bed, sleeping soundly that night.

 

The next morning, when Professor Membrane was supposed to go, the weather warnings came and begged people not to go out or even use the roads.  

Their father was too important to die in a car accident, so work phoned in and ordered he stay with his children.

The children couldn’t go to skool, either, in this weather. Any of their usual plans, such as watching tv or playing video games, wouldn’t be an option with their father home.

Dib wanted to work on the serum some more when he found out, but Gaz had objected.

“It’s not fair he’s only doing things with you, Dib. It’s  _ my _ turn,” She growled, poking herself in the chest with her thumb.

“Now, children, there are plenty of things we can all do together. Come on, let’s hear some ideas! What do you  _ both  _ want to do?” The Professor asked, and his children shared looks.

They took a whole ten minutes of fighting and thinking it over to come up with a board game.

They only had one board game.

Monopoly.

Professor Membrane and Gaz  _ destroyed  _ Dib, sending him to jail numerous times throughout the game.

Gaz, however, put up a fair fight against her father. The two sat there for two hours before the game was concluded with the Professor emerging victorious.

When the game was over, their father spewed on about things he was inventing at one of his labs (he had six in total). He told them about the new tic tac flavour he invented a few days ago, and when Dib asked how that was real science and what he did wasn’t, all he got was yet another hearty laugh and a shake of the head before Professor Membrane patted his son on the head and let out a hearty, “My poor, insane son.”

Dib got mad at this and started to angrily tell him about his own inventions, so angered that he somehow managed to mention Zim three times in one sentence. His father wasn’t paying attention in the slightest, however, instead walking over to Gaz and asking her about the game she was playing. He didn’t notice Dib fuming behind him, didn’t notice his son grab his coat and camera. Didn’t even notice when he left the house in the middle of what may as well have been a  blizzard.

Gaz did, but decided to let it play out.

 

When Dib returned home, he wasn’t alone. Gir was with him, in his little doggy suit, and Dib was holding his hand, looking a mixture of frustrated and freezing.

“W-where’s-s D-Dad?” He asked, and Gaz was surprised he wasn’t hypothermic with the terrible stutter he had. He’d been gone for two hours, after all.

“Taking a nice, long, hot shower, which you look like you need,” Gaz explained, clicking buttons rapidly and causing her character to jump over a large pit. She looked up for a millisecond, too quickly for Dib to have even noticed, and saw that Dib’s camera was in shambles. It looked like it had been beaten rapidly with a sledgehammer, and as Dib held onto the pieces with one arm and held Gir’s paw in the other, shivering with a blue tint to his pale face and hair stiffer than when he puts hairspray in it every morning, Gaz felt angry. Angry at her father for not having noticed his own son leave the house in a  _ blizzard. _

“He d-didn’t n-notice I was gone? At all?” Dib asked, and Gaz was surprised that she heard no emotion behind his words. He didn’t sound tired, he didn’t sound sad, he didn’t even sound desperate. He just sounded… Hollow. Blunt.

“Nope,” she popped her P.

There was no sound except for the 8-bit soundtrack surrounding the air.

“Did you?” Dib asked hesitantly.

“Yep,” she popped her P.

Silence, and then Dib looked at Gir. “You can go home now, Gir. Thanks for walking me back, I guess.”

Gir shut his eyes happily and squeaked in joy before letting go of Dib’s hand. He stretched to reach the doorknob, and Dib decided to save him from the effort and opened it for him.

As soon as the door was opened, a gust of cold wind burst into the house, and Gir stumbled slightly before letting out a battle cry, eyes going red, and running into the harsh weather. Dib shut the door after a moment, fingertips frozen as he twisted the lock.

He had started to walk in the direction of his room before Gaz interrupted him.

“What was Gir doing here?” She asked, trying to sound uninterested.

“Um. He was… just walking me home. I was gonna trick him into staying so I could take off his disguise and show Dad, but…” He sighed, “Whatever. ‘S not like he c-cares.” His voice cracked on the last word, and Gaz had a feeling it wasn’t because he was cold.

She didn’t stop him when he started towards his room a second time. 

 

When the blizzard let up during the night, Dib didn’t know how to feel. 

 

Come morning, his father was gone before he and Gaz got on the bus for skool. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya sorry about this being weird but I'm too busy.  
> Bonus: 
> 
> Dib: It's c-cold outside  
> Gaz: Maybe you've got hypothermia. Do u feel numb?  
> Dib: emotionally


	14. Not Too Late (Too Make Amends)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soooo sorry this took so long! However, exams are FINALLY DONE!!!!!!!!  
> I’ve discovered I LOVE doing drabbles so here are some drabbles relating around the letter N. I was gonna do something for Nanny, but then as I started reading the IZ comics I read one with pretty much the same idea. Only, in that, Zim could have helped Dib and was like “hahaha suffer bitch” instead so I feel like I had to keep it to that, y’know? 
> 
> Drabble one (called ‘Too Loud Too Proud-Noise’) Description: Zim hates music.
> 
> Drabble two (called ‘Dumb and Dumber-Nerd Edition’) Description: Both Zim and Dib are really smart, but it doesn’t count for much when they each studied different sciences. 
> 
> Drabble three (called ‘What’s in a Name?-Names’) Description: A pun-tastic collection of horrible name-related jokes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alphabet: N for Not Done Learning 
> 
> No pairings but y'all KNOW what I be shippin'

**Too Loud Too Proud**

“UGH! COMPUTER, WHAT IS THE **_WRETCHED_ ** NOISE SEEPING THROUGH THE SIDEWAY CEILINGS?” Zim demanded, throwing his claws over his antenna yet again as the muffled rumbling that Zim had been hearing for _hours_ continued to irritate him.

“First off, that would be music, Zim. It is coming from one of your neighbours houses and can be heard through the walls because while the base is soundproof to all civilian life forms above the ground, the house is not. And, okay, second? Ya, it’s called a wall, Zim. How-”

“SILENCE!” Zim cried, and with a heavy sigh and some mumbled arguments that Zim chose to selectively ignore, his Computer lapsed into silence. Leaving Zim alone. With the music. The horrible, _horrible_ garbled mess of audio and pitch that Zim so **loathes.**

 It wasn’t like aliens didn’t have music. It just that _irkens_ didn’t have music- certainly not music accompanied with singing, at least. He had heard tunes played from time to time as he traveled off-planet. None as horrible as Earth music, though. He _hated_ it.

Zim let out a frustrated scream. He wanted to make the music stop, but didn’t want to risk blowing his cover. Instead, he pulled on his costume, grabbed Gir’s leash and dragged the robot out of the base with him as he attempted to escape the sound waves of pain.

The two of them walked through the streets, Zim kicking at the ground and bitterly mumbling to himself along the way, Gir walking silently alongside him. As they walked, they passed a group of teenagers who were leaning against a wall and smoking cigarettes. Next to them on the floor was a stereo that blasted loud rap music, and Zim clenched his fists and held onto Gir’s leash tighter.

As he quickly walked passed the group of totally-not-intimidating humans, he nearly tripped when Gir stopped and pointed at them.

“WHY IS HIS PANT’S FALLIN’ OFF?” Gir yelled, and Zim followed his robot's gaze to the low-riding teens. He scowled at the style and tugged Gir along with him, trying to ignore the crimes against both fashion and his hearing senses.

 As the two of them walked further, Zim became more and more annoyed- in his current state, he was noticing music everywhere, and the more he noticed it, the more he hated it, and the more he hated humans for having it.

“Human traditions are stupid, Gir,” Zim ranted, and Gir was writing something down in a notepad, nodding encouragingly as Zim spoke. “I mean, who needs music, anyways? Irkens are the most powerful race alive, and we don’t go anywhere _near_ the CONCEPT of it. Our traditions are far better than human traditions, I’d say.”

Gir continued to nod, looking at his paper seriously and putting the pen back inside of his head.

“What did you write?” Zim asked, and Gir showed him a drawing he made of an undisguised Zim kicking a musical note. Zim let out a chuckle at the drawing, taking it from Gir and examining it before closing the notebook and putting it inside of Gir’s head for him.

“Well, at least you know _why_ I’m upset. Good work, Gir. Excellent listening skills.”

“Can I get a sandwich?” Gir asked, and Zim blinked at him before looking around and noticing they were approaching a sub shop. Zim shrugged.

“Sure, fine, whatever. Here,” He started to pull out some Earth currency from his Pak, but Gir held up a paw, stopping him. The Sir unit walked into the sub shop, and Zim followed, feeling sort of out of the loop. When they walked in, Zim growled to himself upon hearing music playing inside of the shop. He begrudgedly watched Gir order a sub without looking at the menu, watched the worker ask Gir about toppings and fill up the meal, watched Gir grab the sandwich off of the shelf once the worker hand wrapped it and calmly walking back over to Zim, grabbing the end of his leash and placing it back in Zim’s hand before leading him out of the door.

“Um, Gir, I didn’t see you pa-”

“I like the sandwiches here,” Gir said happily, unwrapping the loaf of heavily dressed bread. Zim stared at him a moment longer before shrugging. He wanted to avoid shoplifting since it tending to bring unwanted attention, but Gir seemed to be able to get away with anything at times, so Zim decided to let it slide.

Zim’s head snapped up at the sound of a bird singing, and he narrowed his eyes at the blue jay perched in a tree, tweeting like the sun will come up tomorrow. Even the filthy fauna of this planet engage in the painful musical culture.

The two of them walked the streets some more. Zim was too angry with the idea of music to form a plan to destroy the Earth. Gir didn’t seem to care either way. As they walked, they passed a parade with, guess what. Music. Lots and lots of music. Zim let out a loud scream, vowing to destroy it the moment he took over Earth.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

**Dumb and Dumber- Nerd edition**

“Oh, _please._ Everybody knows that sodium is what we need to add to the compound, _not_ sulphur!” Did cried, trying to snatch the vile away from his lab partner. Zim snarled and evaded him.

“It IS, Dib-Stink! I wouldn’t expect your simple human mind to understand real irken science!” The alien jabbed, and Dib continued to grab at him to get to the vile.

Their chemistry teacher, Mr. Blutoe, noticed them from afar, instantly grumbling to himself and speed-walking over to the fighting pair. “You two! Knock it off! You’re in a lab- you could get hurt!”

The two students ignored their teacher, bickering too loud to have even heard him. He huffed as he reached them. “Zim! Dib! If you two don’t stop right now you’re both getting a zero!”

The pair was silenced, and they finally looked up at the teacher, still shooting angry glances at one another.

“But sir,” Dib started, and Zim stuck his tongue out at the boy, “Zim wanted to add _sulphur_ to the compound! We need sodium, right?”

The teacher scratched the stubble on his chin, staring down at the children in shock. “Of course you need sodium!” He announced, and Dib shot a victorious smirk in Zim’s direction, but the teacher was not done; “that is, for the project we’re currently working on. If you were to add sulphur to the solution, why, you’d have completed a project so complex you’d have been able to skip three grades! Ha, imagine that!”

Dib’s face fell flat and it was Zim’s turn to smirk. “Now, no more fighting, okay? I wouldn’t want to have to flunk my best nerds, now would I?” With that, the teacher walked off, leaving Dib and Zim standing there awkwardly.

“So, I’m, uh, gonna use sodium. I guess,” Dib said after a minute, and Zim handed over the vile hesitantly.

“I guess,” the alien agreed, unsure how to react now that he knew the teacher grouped the two of them together as nerds. After another awkward moment, Zim spoke up. “So, Dib, what is a nerd?”

 

* * *

* * *

 

**What’s in a Name**




“DIB! YOU ATE ALL THE CEREAL!” Gaz shouted, shaking with anger. When she realized he couldn’t hear her, she growled to herself, stomped up the stairs and slammed her brother’s door open. Dib jumped in his chair at his sister’s sudden appearance and pulled off one headphone.

“God, Gaz, _knock,_ and _what?”_ He demanded, and Gaz clenched her fists in fury.

“You. Ate. All. The. Cereal.”

Dib looked thoughtful for a moment. “Oh. Ya. What a cat-Gaz-trophy.”

Silence.

“Oh, come on Gaz, that was good! Ha, haha, hAAAAAAAAAAGAZNOTTHENECK-“




“GRRRRRRRRR!” Gir growled, and Zim rolled his eyes at his robotic companion.




“What’s Zim-atter with you?” Dib asked, and Zim only pouted harder.

“Apparently, my name,” Zim rolled his eyes.




“OH! I CALL THIS ONE!” Alliteration, a student with purple pig-tails yelled, grabbing the last purple piece of paper.

“No FAIR!” Cried another student.

“Ya! I already called dibs!” Shouted a little boy.

Zim looked across the room to the green paper Dib had on his desk, tapping his chin in confusion.

      5.

“You’re not the only one with an irken ship, Zim!” Dib yelled into his intercom, pursuing Zim’s cruiser and firing his ship’s lasers at it.

“What, that Tak-y old thing?” Zim mocked over the intercom, and Dib paused his firing, scoffed, and shot Zim’s ship right in the back.

     6.

  “Gir! I am so MAD at you right now!” Zim cried, fuming as he chased the Sir unit around, much to Dib’s amusement.

“Said the irked irken from irk,” Dib mumbled to himself, letting out a quiet giggle before Gir tackled him, followed by a furious green alien.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed writing this fic I've been reading so many Star Trek and Voltron fic I honestly,,, someone stop me


	15. Obsession with Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alphabet: O for Obsession  
> Description: Dib makes a mistake and Zim is furious.  
> STRONG ZADR WOOOOOOOOOOOOW KINDA SEXUAL NOT TO SPOIL BUT ROUGH FIGHTING KISSING STUFF SORTA NON CONSENSUAL BUT IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT I PROMISE I'M JUST SAYIN’ IT NOW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I WAS planning on making this a two parter but I don’t know where to cut it off???? So here you go, a long chappy for y'all. I actually wrote this chapter a loooong while ago, so it’s kinda ooc and sudden, but idk how to fix it so. Enjoy?

“You- you’re a self-absorbed jerk!” Dib yelled, amused with how Zim fumed by sticking his antenna up with rage. They were in Zim’s base after Dib had gotten himself captured while trying to sneak in using a flaw he found. Zim was fully aware of this flaw, though, and as soon as Dib had gotten in, he had fallen into Zim’s trap.

“Yes, I AM!” Zim yelled back, as though that won him the argument. Dib had managed to escape the trap (read: had convinced Gir to let him out before Zim noticed), but not before Zim had taken away his phone and spy equipment, effectively destroying them in front of Dib (much to his dismay). Of course, with as much money as his father made, he could get more, but now he had to come up with an excuse to ask for it. “And YOU’RE the jerk who tried to break into my base, so HA!”

“Well, YOU’RE the jerk who’s trying to take over the Earth, so DOUBLE HA!” Dib retorted.

The two of them got up into each other’s faces, both growling, before Dib noticed that the magenta of Zim’s eyes were a faded-stitched, like that of an insect, and he found himself staring into them. Once again, Dib found himself captivated by them. There was so much rage in those alien eyes, but at the same time, Dib could see his own reflection in them. They were much more shiny than that of a human’s, and Dib found the scientific part of him enticed by the small villain's expense. However, there was another part of him that was slowly starting to realize he didn’t just want to look into Zim’s eyes for science anymore. He wasn’t sure when it started- maybe when he learned the truth about Zim- but the moment he realized he didn’t _have_ to fight Zim, he connected the dots.

He didn’t _want_ to fight Zim.

Without thinking, Dib grabbed Zim's face and shoved it into his own, delivering a shaky kiss.

Zim’s eyes widened, and after a moment of pure shock, he viciously shoved Dib away from him. The human stumbled with the force of the push and fell to the floor with a cry.

Dib brought his gaze back to Zim’s, only to find the irken’s eyes still round as plates. Zim was breathing heavily, as though he had just fought off someone trying to kill him. Dib’s own eyes widened when he realized what he had done.

 “Oh, fuck, listen, Zim-” Dib tried, ripping himself from the floor and reaching a hand out to Zim, only to stop and retract it when the alien flinched so hard he jumped a full step away from him.

The silence was horribly tense, and Dib went to break it, but Zim beat him to it.

“You… kissed me,” Zim breathed out, voice small. He was shaking, and Dib suddenly realized he had just made the worst mistake in the world. He had basically just given himself a death sentence. Oh, God, Zim was going to kill him. He just- he had wanted to do it so bad, he had too, he- Zim was just so- Oh _God…_

“You…” Zim attempted to form words again, but they broke apart before they could make their way out of his throat. The word was crackly, as though Zim was on the verge of hysteria, and Dib decided his own panic attack could wait. Right now, he had to do some serious damage control.

“… Look, Zim, I-”

 **_“You,”_ ** This time, Zim spoke the word venomously. The alien had seen kissing on television and on the skool playground and even, one time, in the skool bathroom. He knew what it meant for one human to do that to another, so how could…

“… Zim,” Dib tried again, really needing to get a word in, because it was really important that Zim knew that he didn’t mean it like that, that it was an accident, that it was a mess, _something._ Dib just needed to say _something._ Even if it was a lie. Because- and this was the worst possible time for Dib to be coming to terms with it, but God if it wasn’t true- he had absolutely meant it like that. He had just… done it really wrong. Jumped the gun. No, became the bullet and shot himself in the mouth, that’s a better saying.

“You- You’re _obsessed_ with me!” Zim shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Dib.

“Wait, Zim, just-”

“ _Every time_ I walk into skool you just… _Watch me!_ Analyze me! Like you’re gonna figure out how to stop the upcoming Invasion by monitoring how I don’t pay attention in class!”

“Zim,” Dib tried tentatively, sticking his hands out as though he was trying to calm the hysterical alien while still keeping himself covered if said hysterical alien were to attack him.

“You and your _big head,_ always _butting in_ on my _plans,_ on my **_mission,_ ** when I could have been done it by now! You- you’re holding me back! I could have had the acceptance of the Tallest, the Control Brains, _everybody,_ but you just **had** to butt in!”

“No, Zim, that’s not-”

“Yes! Yes, it is, Dib-worm! I- I knew what I had to do and why I wanted to do it and that I **_wanted_ ** to do it before you came here and- and _now_   you… you… you ruined _everything!”_ Zim cried, stopping his pacing and frantic antenna-pulling and started to rise up on his Pak legs. Even for such a small alien, Zim towered over Dib with his legs, eyes brimming with a confused fury.

Dib looked for a way out, but knew he was at a disadvantage in Zim’s own base. There was no way out of there, and Dib certainly couldn’t beat Zim; he’d seen the irken when he had his mind put to something. Then again, Zim seemed to be driven by anger and confusion right now. Recalling a past instance, he got an idea.

“Zim, please, listen to me. You might not understand this, or even believe it, but what you’re feeling right now-“

“Zim feels NOTHING!”

“Y-Yes you do! And what you’re feeling is normal! Zim, I screwed up, and I shouldn’t have done that, should have known you wouldn’t have been okay with it,” Dib was practically begging his words as Zim raised a Pak leg with a sharp end far above both of their heads. “And I’m sorry. Okay? I… I’m sorry. You… you have to understand why I did it though. Please, just- hear me out, and then you can kill me, and you can destroy or enslave or do whatever you want to this miserable planet, but you… need to know why. Or else, what was the point?”

Dib stared up at Zim, trying not to frighten him more by looking him in the eyes but refusing to look at the weapon aimed at his head. He decided to close his eyes, waiting for the finishing blow. When it didn’t come, however, he pried open his eyes one by one to find Zim, expression still cold and stony in the shadows of the ceiling, lowing the weapon slightly. It didn’t aim away from him, but it withdrew slightly, enough for Dib to let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding and straightened his back.

“T-thanks. Okay. Um, so basically-“

“What I’m feeling is not normal, human.”

Dib blinked, looking back at Zim. The alien had lowered himself so he was still above Dib, but his expression was less shaded. His eyes were downcast, and he was holding his shoulder. Even now, he still looked furious. When the alien offered no further explanation, Dib bit down a gulp and tried again.

“It’s normal to be scared, Zim.”

“Not like this. Not… for us,” Zim admitted, looking sheepish.

“... What do you mean?”

“Why should I tell you anything?” Zim snapped, and whoops, there’s the fury seeping through again.

“Zim,” Dib struggled to find the right words to help the alien, “Who else would you tell? Your insane robot servant who runs off half the time? Your crazy malfunctioning robot parents who once talked about explosive diarrhea at our parent teacher conference? Your robot moose who can’t even form an actual sentence? Who do you have to talk to that _isn’t_ a robot, Zim?”

“You know nothing, Earth-boy! Zim needs no one!”

“And Zim has no one! And look how that’s worked out for you so far!”

“YOU LIE! SILENCE! SHUT UP!” Zim yelled, hands pressed against his antenna and rising up to the ceiling, weapon raised, once again.

“You’re _angry_ because you’re missing the bigger picture, just like always, right? You’re _lonely_ because you didn’t realize how close to others you could be until you came to Earth, right? You’re _scared_ because you don’t want to face the realization that all of _this,”_ Dib gestured to all of Zim, “Isn’t how it’s supposed to be in the how-to manual they shoved into your brain, and you want to fix it but you don’t even know where to start? Isn’t that why you decided to put yourself through skool instead of just… _invading,_ like all of the other invaders did?”

“You… how could you-”

“Because that’s how I feel too.”

Finally, Zim looked truly confused. “Huh.”

Dib nodded, reassuring himself. “Zim, you take the long way for everything, and you play it off, but you do it because the short way is over too soon, don’t you?”

Zim didn’t move, so Dib continued.

“When I stole your Pak that one time, and it connected itself to me, it was like I had your brain for a moment. It didn’t last long, and it’s all pretty hazy, but I remember the feeling of wanting to impress the Tallest. That’s… really important to you, because if they like you, then everyone else will like you, too, right? But… everybody else, all the other invaders, they’ve all impressed them already. I could feel your jealousy, and your longing, and your… reluctance.”

“Stop it,” Zim warned, but Dib pressed on.

“You don’t want to be just like every other invader, you want to be better, don’t you? That’s why you’re taking so long- it’s not that I’m in your way, it’s that you don’t know how to be _different_ , because being irken means being the same.”

“You speak of affairs in which you know nothing of, Dib,” Zim growled.

“Am I wrong?” Dib asked, and Zim paused for a long moment before crossing his arms.

 _“I’m_ wrong,” Zim practically whispered. “I shouldn’t think the way I do, o-or feel the way I do… It’s wrong.” There was a word on the tip of Zim’s tongue that he refused to say to his enemy, refused to admit had power. He refused to believe that’s what it was, but…

“You’re different, and it’s wrong for _them_ to have taught you that that’s wrong,” Dib insisted. “But it’s different here. People are different here. You can be _different_ here.”

Zim looked around the room, as though it was painful to make eye contact with Dib.

“You _kissed me,”_ Zim recalled, voice pitching slightly and gaze finally making its way to his boots.

Dib blinked. Oh ya. He had done that, hadn’t he?

“… Ya…” Dib agreed, rubbing his arm awkwardly. He didn’t want to tell Zim it was a lie, because that _would_ be a lie, but seriously, Zim seemed like he had enough going through his mind right now. He didn’t need Dib on top of all of that.

“… And you did this because…” Zim started, seemingly wanting Dib to finish his sentence.

Dib gulped, hoping to God he wasn’t going to say something to ruin all of this. Because all of this, would take work. All of this, all of this _mess,_ would take cleaning up after, and it would take time, and it would take patience, and if it didn’t work, then… at least… at least he gave Zim the option, because he can’t push something like this. No, not like this.

“Because I don’t think you’re wrong.”


	16. Progressing Up the Friendship Tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alphabet: P for Pieces
> 
> Yaaaaaaaaaaaa some ZaDr and then just some Dib and Zim bonding yaaaaaa
> 
> Drabble one (called 'Spring Cleaning) Description: Zim apparently chases laser pen dots like a cat. Only, destructively.
> 
> Drabble two (called 'Burn')Description: Zim isn't very good at comebacks, but he doesn't care.
> 
> Drabble three (called 'In Sickness and in Health)Description: Zim finds an injured Dib.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More drabbles for y'all, descriptions for them all are in one spot and the titles will tell you what the descriptions are being applied too. YAY I LOVE DRABBLES there is so much freedom in writing them.
> 
> And without further adue, I be-keef this chapter full of drabbles unto you.
> 
> Also sorry this took so long to come to y'all my dog and cat both died in the space between the break and life has been wild hahah enjoy lol.

**Spring Cleaning**

 

"Oh, hey!" Dib exclaimed, staring into the cardboard box, "my old laser pen! I wonder if this still works."

He pulled it out of the box, looking for the button for a moment before locating it and aiming it at the wall. He pressed down, and after a moment of flickering, a red dot appeared, and Dib let out a hoot of laughter.

"Hey, Zim, look! It's the laser pointer I used with our old cat, Barnabus! Oh man, I can't believe this still- what are you doing?" Dib asked, breaking off when he saw Zim staring at the dot with his antenna facing the ceiling. The irken glared daggers at the dot.

"What is that? Why is it moving?" Zim demanded, and Dib blinked.

"Um. Well, like I just said, it's-"

"WHAT KIND OF SICK PLANET IS THIS THAT THE BUGS GLOW?" Zim screeched, and Dib was used to his sudden outbursts, so it didn't faze him nearly as much as it used too.

"It's not a bug, Zim, It's-" This time, Dib cut himself off when Zim slapped the wall where the dot was. Dib considered just flicking the light off, but decided to let it play out when the light moved onto the back of Zim's gloves instead of diminishing under it. Zim screeched again, slapping his own hands, but the light refused to budge.

Dib got hit with an idea, moving the laser pointer slightly closer to Zim, who yelled in dismay and scurried away. Dib muffled his laughter with his sleeve and continued to move the light closer to Zim until it was on his arm- when Zim twisted to see it, he moved it to the irken's forehead, and let out a cry and fell backwards as he lost sight of it.

Dib couldn't help it- he burst out laughing, and Zim swatted at the air before using his Pak legs to raise himself off of the floor. Dib's laughter continued as Zim's Pak released a sci-fi looking gun that Zim aimed at the dot, which had fallen back on the wall. His laughter stopped, however, when Zim fired, and a large hole in the wall was burnt to crisp, covering them bost in dust and sending debris flying.

Zim lowered himself back onto the floor and puffed out his chest.

Dib shut off the laser pointer, put it back in the box silently, put his hands over his face and sighed.

* * *

* * *

 

**Burn**

 

"Alright, class, please put in your headphones and listen to the whole video, okay? You'll all be tested on its contents," The teacher instructed, taking a seat behind her own desk.

Zim looked down at his own pair of headphones. He then watched the other students connect it to their laptops, which Zim copied after a moment of examination, but when they began to shove the material into their ears, Zim frowned.

He saw Dib chuckling at the other side of the classroom, and instantly knew it was at him, and not at the screen. Numerous students shushed him, but he only laughed harder, throwing his hands in Zim's direction.

"Oh, come on, you guys! He's an alien! He doesn't have _ears!"_ He chuckled, and Zim growled.

"Well you don't have a BRAIN! You don't see me laughing at you for THAT!" He retorted, and the class burst into OOOOOH's and BUUURN's, leaving Dib silenced.

* * *

* * *

**In Sickness and in Health**

 

"Dib-monster?" Zim asked, perplexed. "What on Irk happened to you?"

Dib glared up at his nemesis, squinting so his eyes would focus better. "Zim?" He said the name out loud, surprised to see the alien hovering in front of him. It was funny- the way Zim was about the same size as Dib when the human was crouching in the grass, but the irken was standing straight.

Zim continued to stare at Dib, head tilted slightly. After a moment, he started to look around.

"Why are you in this bush? And why are you bleeding?"

Dib let out a humourless chuckle. "I was heading to this bush, anyways. And I got stabbed. Well, I got robbed first, and _then_ I got stabbed."

There was a long moment of silence where Dib was trying not to cry and Zim stood there, thinking.

"You should go to the hospital, not a bush, I should think. Human's damage easy, in comparison to a mighty irken of the mighty Irken Empire," Zim bragged, but if Dib wasn't so distracted, he would have paid more attention to the so called mighty irken's wording.

"What do you want, Zim?" Dib asked. Honestly, the reason Dib was heading to the bush was because it was near Zim's house, and made it easy to spy on the alien without getting caught. He was only there now because he was really close to the bush already, and went to it to gather himself before he would get up and hobble to somebody's doorstep. He had lost his phone in the robbery, along with his spy equipment. More out of instinct than anything, he went to the bush, but he was planning on getting up before Zim approached him.

"WELL," Zim said, and said it far too loud for Dib's liking, "you know me, working on plans to take over the Earth and all that stuff, needed some leaves to test on from the tree behind you…" the irken rocked back on his heels, "so… I'm gonna go get them. I'd have gotten Gir to do this for me, but he pulled his arm off messing with my injector, and I'm leaving it like that for the time being as punishment."

Zim let out a little laugh at the memory, looking back at the whole situation with amusement. Then, recalling his situation, inched around Dib as though he had an infection he didn't want to catch and made his way over to the tree. Dib heard a branch snap, and Dib wondered vaguely how someone as small as Zim, someone who hadn't grown more than four centimetres since elementary, could reach the branches. Zim walked back into his line of vision, now holding the branch, and though Dib didn't notice it the first time, Zim was holding an item in his other hand that must have done the trick.

"Well, see you at skool. I guess," Zim sounded unbelievably awkward, and Dib rolled his eyes as Zim crossed the street, forcing a car to halt and honk due to him refusing to look both ways, and walking calmly into his base.

Dib sat there quietly for a short amount of time, letting out a string of whimpers as he looked at the blood on his hand and doubled over further.

_No, Dib, go get help. Just go ask someone to call an ambulance or something. Just… get up, no don't get more comfy, no Dib, bad…_ Dib's thoughts became jumbled as he leaned into the thicket, and he groaned, yelling at himself silently to get up. His wound hurt, it hurt so much, it hurt more than when he fell out of the tree when he was younger, how long ago was that? He was about… was he still in Mr. Handchair's class?

_Stop! Get up, idiot._

"Why are you still here?" a voice above him asked, sounding confused and exasperated. "Honestly, humans are so dumb. You can't even manage to go to the care center your kind insists it won't survive without!"

Dib groaned, but God, his side hurt. He didn't respond, and Zim kicked him. Either he did it really lightly, or Dib's senses were focused on the wound, because he only felt a slight nudge on his healthy side.

Dib still said nothing, and hoped Zim would go away so he could sleep. No, wait, not sleep, get help. Wait, maybe Zim could help. WAIT, no, Zim was a jerk. He would never help.

He was about to take his chances and ask when he saw that Zim was gone again.

Another minute passed and Dib tried to get up, only to strain his side more than he thought he would and fall back down, unbelievably dizzy. He threw up, and he shook violently.

He heard sirens, and it was only when they stopped right in front of him did it occur to Dib that they were for him.

It was only when he woke up in a blue hospital gown, having apparently passed out in the ambulance, that he realized that there was only one person who knew there was a teenager bleeding in a covered bush.

It was only after he was off his pain killers that he realized that Zim could have let him die.


	17. I Need Some Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alphabet: Q for Quivers
> 
> Description: Dib is claustrophobic but Zim doesn't understand what that means

 

It had been an ordinary day- Dib had infiltrated Zim's base (he bribed Gir with cookies to let him in) and was snooping around his underground base when Zim caught him. The two had fought and Zim had managed to capture him in a 'fortress of doom,' which was basically just a box that shocked you if you touched the casing of it, leaving Dib trapped inside. The box was an electric bright green, and things could enter it fine, but not leave without getting electrocuted. That way Zim could leave it on and easily throw Dib in, without having to worry about Dib getting out before it was turned on. Zim had only _just_ gotten Dib into the box and finished explaining his plan.

Then Gir came running down at them, having apparently finished his cookies, and messed everything up.

The robot ran at Zim, trying to give him a big 'ol hug and thanking him for the cookies (that Dib brought, mind you) but he knocked the invader over in the process. Losing his footing as Gir slammed into him, Zim toppled into the same trap he had Dib in. He screamed as he fell and landed on the human, who let out an 'oof' and tried to push Zim away from him. He kicked the irken off of him, but ended up pushing him into the wall- it shocked him, and Zim screamed and scrambled away from the side and back into Dib. The box was very small, so the two of them flung into the wall as a result of the collision, both getting shocked now, before finally finding ground in the middle.

They both crouched in silence. For a moment, anyway.

"Oh, nice _going_ Zim," Dib growled, crossing his arms. Because, really, this was all Zim's fault.

"SILENCE!" Zim yelled, and Dib kicked him for being too loud. The alien kicked back, and soon they were both kicking and slapping each other viciously.

"Ow, owowow! Okay, okay! Zim- Okay! Stop! Neither of us are winning here!" Dib yelled, and the petty violence subsided. Dib wanted to slap Zim again for the smirk that covered his face, but took a deep breath, looking around.

"Well, you created this thing, Zim. Get us out of here!" Dib demanded, and Zim scoffed.

"Pfft, ya, okay. Like I'd ever help you escape _my_ genius and cunning trap!" Zim boasted, and Dib wanted to strangle him.

"Your… You got trapped in here too!"

"GIR PUSHED ME!" Zim yelled, pointing at the Sir unit. Gir waved from outside the box.

"Well, thanks to you, we're both… stuck…" Dib's eyes widened slightly and he looked around, finally understanding the situation.

Zim groaned, looking around as well. "Yes, well… I REFUSE to be stuck anywhere with _you,_ you… _disgusting, revolting THING_ you… AHH! GIR! GET US OUT OF HERE!" He screeched.

Gir put a finger on his chin and looked sad.

"How I gon's do that?" He asked, and Zim sighed.

"There's a deactivation switch on top of that table, the little pink thing with a ball on the end of it. When you see it, pull it, okay?"

"I'M HUNGRY!" Gir suddenly yelled, and ran off.

"Wha- GIR! GIR, GET BACK HERE! GIIIIIR!" Zim yelled, and when Gir ignited his rockets and zoomed through a transport tube above them, disappearing from sight, the irken let out a string of alien curses at his useless companion.

There was quiet for a moment before Zim spoke in a cheerful voice, as though he didn't just have an anger fit, saying "Well, I made this trap too strong too get out of without it being opened manually. GUESS WE'RE STUCK HERE," He yelled the last part with an insane sort of pride.

When Dib didn't let out some sort of jab against Zim, the irken glanced in his direction. Dib was staring at the floor of the box, breathing heavily. His hair was starting to stick to his head with sweat, and he had his arms curled around his legs, which were brought into his chest.

Zim narrowed his eyes at his enemy's appearance but said nothing about it as he sat down next to him. He tried to formulate a plan, instead of yelling about Gir or looking at his cellmate.

He could try to use his Pak's weapons against the box, but there was a good chance that that would just cause the box to explode with the glorious Zim inside, which was something he was trying to avoid. If he tried anyways, there was another good chance that Dib would attack him with his Pak exposed, since his back would have to be facing Dib for it to work.

He shot a glance at the human, whose breathing was starting to annoy Zim.

"What on Irk is your problem, Dib-Stink? I'm trying to come up with a way to get out of here, and your shaking is distracting my precious brain-waves!"

Dib shoved his face into his knees, which he pulled closer. Zim stared at him, confused, before getting angry. "What kind of a sick trick is this? Are you trying to get me to lower my defences around you? Because it won't work!"

Dib suddenly looked up, and just as quickly as he did, he shot up from his seat on the floor. Zim watched, a mixture of annoyed, angry, and confused as Dib started to pace, hands wrapped around his chest as he moved stiffly. The human's eyes were darting all around the box, and Zim noticed with a vague note of fury as they never once landed on him.

"Dib! Cease this walking and help me come up with a way out of here! Not that there is one, I made this trap too strong because I'm so amazing, but still!"

Dib stopped walked and looked at him, bringing his hands to the back of his neck so his elbows were sticking out awkwardly.

"I… I gotta get out of here, Z-Zim," Dib sucked in a large breath as though he were being deprived of air.

Zim groaned, deciding that Dib wouldn't be a threat acting like this and he didn't have the time or capability to care about his odd behaviour. He opened his Pak and allowed his communicator to extend from it and curve around to his face. He grabbed the mic and shoved it to his mouth. He could have pulled up a video screen, too, but he was too angry to stare his robot in the eyes right now.

"GIR! GET BACK HERE!" He growled, and from Gir's side of the communicator, he heard a car horn honk.

"Gir, where ARE YOU? COME BACK HOME TO ZIM AT ONCE!"

"Meow?" He heard Gir say, and groaned out loud when he realized that meant he was in his dog suit and around other humans.

"I-I'll give you a TACO!"

"Meow!" And, with Gir's excited response, the communicator promptly shut off. Returning it to his Pak, he glared at Dib.

"There, see? Gir'll come and get me out of here."

"What about me?"

Zim blanched. "This trap was built for you! Why would I let you out?"

Dib's eyes widened and he launched at Zim again, the two of them kicking and pushing each other, but Dib's wobbly arms were hardly a challenge as Zim shoved him into the wall, earning a sharp cry of pain from Dib as he was shocked. Dib fell over, and with their limited room, Zim had to move out of his way.

Zim looked away from the pathetic display and called Gir again.

"Come ON, Gir!" Zim ushered. Gir hummed happily on the other line, and Zim shut off the communicator with a scowl.

The box began to fall into a tense silence, but Dib's erratic breathing still managed to drown out any form of peace the two could have possibly reached whilst being forced to share a space with each other.

"Dib," Zim started, clenching his fists at the exceedingly annoying noise, "If you do not shut up I am going to- are you _leaking?"_

Dib's eyes had started to fill up with water, the human's whole body completely tense. "I- I," Dib tried, but didn't seem able to speak. "Cl- Cl-"

"Oh for the love of- COMPUTER! What is his _issue?"_ Zim demanded, and there was a faint beep in the distance as the Computer processed his inquiry.

After a moment, Zim got an answer. "The human's symptoms line up with a universally known mental fault known as Shut-In Symptom, Oh-God-The-Walls-Are-Closing-In Syndrome, Paralibulitus, I've-Fallen-And-I-Ca-,"

"What is it called on this _planet,_ Computer?" Zim asked impatiently.

"On Earth: Claustrophobia. There is no record of this on Irk, but it is a fairly common illness is humankind that deals with the extreme fear of closed spaces," the Computer informed him.

Zim scratched his chin. "I've locked him in things before, haven't I?"

"Only when the human was able to easily escape your capture. You're locked in with him this time," Computer pointed out.

Zim stared at his tense enemy, watching him shake like a leaf. After a moment, he said, "Well, he's bugging me. How do I make it stop?"

"You could get him out of the box you locked him in and trapped him in and trapped yourself in and-"

"Shut _up,_ Computer! You're useless! Gir will be along shortly and I can get him out of here. Only because he's _just the WORST_ right now, okay! Not being nice here, OKAY!"

"Jeez, okay, Zim. Whatever keeps you sane," The Computer sighed, logging itself off.

Zim was once again alone with the erratic breathing.

"Why can't you calm down, you stupid boy? I'll- I'll have Gir let you out of here when he gets back," He tried. Dib peered up slightly from his spot on the floor.

"You w-will?" Dib asked hesitantly, and Zim rubbed his forehead.

"Well it's obvious I won this round, just like I have won ALL rounds, so sure, fine, whatever," The alien grumbled.

Dib stared at Zim for a moment, unflexing his hands slightly and starting to rub him eyes. Zim begrudgedly noticed the cuts in his palm left by the boy's nails digging in.

The two stayed there quietly for a little while longer, with Dib's breathing still being hoarse but not nearly as alarming as previously, his body starting to loosen up (Zim wondered if it was because he was starting to calm down with the assurance that they would get out, or if his short breaths had caused Dib to go light headed, before he pushed down those thoughts and assured himself yet again that he couldn't care less either way). Zim continued to stand and tap his foot impatiently for Gir to get back, knowing the action was illogical but preferring to hear the rhythmic _tap tap tap_ of his boot against the ground than hear Dib's whining.

Dib started to focus on the tapping sound as well, using it to distract himself until finally, _finally,_ Gir returned and, with much guided instruction from Zim, released the prisoner and his keeper.

Zim let Dib go home. He was too annoyed to deal with him anymore, he would say, and it would be the truth. Of course it would be. The only truth, however, was not what it was.


	18. Yikes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dib blinks. “You… wait.” He thinks it over in his head, once, twice, and a malevolent smile bursts across his face. “You lost Zim?” 
> 
> In which Dib runs into a very distraught Gir. 
> 
> Part One!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R for Recall  
> No pairings to this chapter specifically

_ Something’s up, _ Dib thought with a jolt as his eyes shot open. Leaning up silently, he glances around his room, wondering what suddenly made him wake up- he checks, twelve minutes before his alarm is set to wake him.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. His room was as unkempt as normal, his blankets tossed and mangled around his form from a rough night, his coat tossed hastily across his armchair. 

Almost hesitantly, he untangles himself from his blankets and rises out of bed, peering out of his door frame almost cautiously. Something was up, but… no. Maybe it was nothing. Everything appeared to be normal- maybe he’d just had a bad dream, and didn’t recall. 

Swallowing, Dib made his way down to the living room. Nothing was new. Gaz was sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal, playing a game on her phone as it charged by the powerbar. Dad was nowhere in sight- probably already at work. The milk and cereal were still sitting out on the kitchen counter lazily, and Dib poured himself a bowl and ate at the table silently, trying to shrug the dread off of his shoulders. Like any other skool day, he brushed his teeth, grabbed his lunch (today: a whole bag of chips and a blue bar, the kind with rainbow chocolate chips; plus, they were almost out of stockage), and walked over to the skool. 

Having woke up early, he’d arrived early too, so he made his way over to his spot near the stairs leading into the building and sat down. He liked the isolation this spot presented him with- it was quiet, faced away from the playground and dark with the shade from the roof of the skool so he could fade away into his seclusion. 

Dib didn’t have anybody else to sit with, anyway- he may as well sit where nobody would see him to remind him of this. 

He pulled out his notebook and a pen and started to draw idly. He was barely aware that he was drawing a sasquatch, one he’d seen once when he was seven (he had, he  _ had _ ) and could never forget the image of (why did nobody believe him? It stole his lunch!). 

After a minute of drawing, he felt the wind pick up, and the papers on his notebook began to force themselves towards the wall of the skool. Annoyed, Dib shoved his hands onto the page to prevent it from flipping as the wind cautioned itself into a quiet nudge against the pages and he was able to let go. 

To his surprise, his hand caught a page filled with notes and angry drawings of his least favourite alien. 

Zim. 

Suddenly, Dib felt weird again. He closed his book and stared at his feet for the rest of the morning.

* * *

 

Zim wasn’t at skool. 

Dib didn’t care. 

He didn’t.

* * *

 

He had to go out for groceries.

Normally, his father kept the fridge and pantry stocked- lately, though, he’d been really busy at work, and Dib accidentally broke the Dad-Bot, so he took his emergency cash and hopped on the bus to the store. 

On the bus, Dib started to doze off. He didn’t live far from the store, but the bus normally took a loop around to it, so it was still a lengthy ride. On one of the stops, Gir must have hopped on the bus, but Dib was so tired he didn’t notice until- 

“YOUR BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE MINE!” the alien bot screamed at a woman as she pushed her stroller onto the bus, pulling its hood over the baby with a scowl at the bot dressed as a dog. 

“Gir?” Dib exclaims, woken by the noise, and Gir’s eyes shoot over to his, suddenly looking guilty. He slowly walks over to Dib. 

The Sir unit stops in front of him and scuffles his 'paws' together. “Hie…” he sheepishly greets, and Dib narrows his eyes in suspicion. Gir never walks downcast. He was always a confident, annoying, random little guy- downtrodden? Not so much. Something was wrong. 

“Gir, what did you do.” 

“WHAT?” Gir yells, and people on the bus stare in annoyance at the volume before looking away. 

“What did you do, Gir,” Dib asks again, knowing his stop is up next but not wanting to leave while something was clearly up. 

“...nothin’. Just ahhhhhhhhh,” squeaks the robot, “forgeeeet.” 

They were at Dib’s stop, now. He noticed, but didn’t plan on going to the store anymore. Gaz had money, she could order a pizza or something. 

“Forget what? You forgot something?” Dib guessed. Gir nodded slowly. “Okay. Do… you have any idea what you forgot?” 

“Yea!” Gir smiled suddenly, “I forget where I left Master! Ahm on the bus looking,” then, he looked sad again, eyes downcast. “But I just not finding.” 

Dib blinks. “You… wait.” He thinks it over in his head, once, twice, and a malevolent smile bursts across his face. “You _ lost  _ Zim?” 

Gir bursts out crying. “I DID!” he cries, and falls on Dib’s lap. Dib tries not to burst out laughing in joy, but the robot is so pitiful he almost doesn’t want to make him feel worse. So, after letting himself silently laugh above the alien, he puts on a serious face and pulls Gir away until he’s staring into the eyes of a green doggy mask (why would Zim think dogs were green anyway? Didn’t he fact check anything?). 

He pats his head like Gir were an actual dog, and Gir smiles and leans into the touch. Dib tries to ignore the dirt that comes away when Dib lifts his hand, and how sticky just that one spot had been. “Can you tell me what happened, Gir?” 

Gir nods. “We was waaalkin’, and he was talkin’ to the taaaallest on his thingyyyy,” Gir starts, and Dib is already beginning to understand why Zim was so evil, if he had to listen to this everyday, “and he fell! Into tha earth fluid that BURNS! And then he,” and here, Gir used his little paws to demonstrate a wave with one hand and a head, presumably Zim’s, bobbing up and down, further down to the end of the wave and then disappearing entirely as Gir retracts his hands and sticks out his tongue. “And I took the bus!” He adds, for good measure. 

Dib takes a moment to understand exactly what was said. 

_ Zim and Gir were walking, Zim was on the phone with his leaders, he got distracted and walked into water, which probably swept him under and is basically acid to him, and Gir can’t find him.  _

Dib lets that sink in. 

His first thought: he’s dead. 

He’s dead, because if Zim fell in water and, to Dib’s knowledge, can’t swim- he’d have drowned. Plus, Gir can’t find him. Plus, _ its basically fucking acid  _ to him. 

His second thought: YES! YES! YES! 

His third, most outrageous thought, was more broken down and nagging than actual words. 

~~ His third thought was just that Zim being dead kinda sucked.  ~~

But he didn’t have time for that right now. He swallowed, took a breath, and bottled up his emotions for the Sir unit looking to him for answers. 

“Do you… remember where this happened?” he asks, tentatively, and Gir shrugs. Dib tries again, “Okay. Okay, do you know where you were headed? Or where you were doing together before Zim… before you lost him?” 

Gir thinks for a moment. The bus jolts as people come and go, and at this point, Dib’s not even sure how far in the loop they are. 

“Tacos!” he explains suddenly, and Dib nods. 

“The one by your base?” he asks. 

“Tacos! 

“Okay. Did you walk far?” 

Gir taps his paws together. “We hads to leave before the tacos…” he sniffles, looking sad again. Though, for the lack of Zim or the lack of tacos is anybody’s guess. 

Dib raises one eyebrow. “The tallest called, then?” 

“Nuuuuuuooo. There was some youngs humans that hurt his feelings and we left before he blew em up!” Gir makes an explosion noise. 

Dib nearly laughs. “They- they hurt his  _ feelings?  _ What- they tell him his head was too big?” he scoffs, imaging Zim losing his temper trying to get a taco with Gir and having to leave, a tacoless dog behind him. 

“And that his skin was too green!” Gir adds, “and to back where we’s from! And Masta was tryna tell ‘em to minds their businesses and they was so mean we almost got KICKED OUT so we LEFTS!” Gir cackles. 

Dib, after a moment, understands what happened and shrinks in his seat uncomfortably. “O-oh,” he exhales. Then, he clears his throat. “So, um, where- where’d you go after that?"

Gir picks his dog suit’s nose. “We walked and the Tallest were on the thingy telling him to do a thingy and Masta wasn’t paying attention and I saw a squirrel and-” he gasps, “I LOST HIM! I FORGETS WHERE!” 

“O-okay! Gir, it’s okay, we can, uh, head that way. There's a river not far away from there, you must have walked that way when he fell in. We’ll go check it out, okay? It’s only a few more stops away.” 

Gir nods, leaning his head on Dib’s legs. Dib looks out the bus window, watching sights pass that he’s seen pass by many times before. 

Never before has he watched them pass with so many conflicting thoughts to his mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get out? I've been working on my DGHDA series, but I'm glad to say this fic is getting started up again :)  
> Next part coming soon. S for Swim!


End file.
